Please forgive me for being scarce. I have been trying to keep up with the hugs and messages....if i forgot anyone I am sorry. I am mostly ok.....we knew it would happen, she was in pain., so i guess in a way i was prepared. I still hurt that our relationship was what it was.....but she WAS difficult. i do find comfort in the fact that i did the right thing for me, by not turning away, I have managed to avoid the guilt. But this feeling of no longer having parents, even at my age, is an odd one. We have met with the lawyer about the estate. There is some money coming. I really had not expected any at all, so some of it will be used for some much needed repairs on my home. Cleaning out the house is going to be a project....I HAVE started....my brother keeps telling me I am better at that kind of stuff than him....so I have stopped asking for help with that. But it is actually ok....I am finding the sorting and cleaning and purging almost calming. Things have been so chaotic in my life for so long..that this "putting in order" almost relaxes me. I AM having a hard time deciding what to keep, however. She collected elephants with their trunks raised. She had photos all over the house. She wrote notes galore to herself so she would not forget things. ..and THAT tugs at my heart because I was not aware of that while she was here. I am finding things like men's rings and I will never know who they belonged to as she had my dad's stuff, my brother's stuff, her brother's stuff, and her dad's stuff.

I have surprised myself by becoming more organized, which is the only way any of this will get done. I have carved out some time for myself...and to my surprise....i have lost 10 pounds! And my depression is actually manageable.


Big goof that I am....sometimes i think I am coping almost TOO well. I cannot help but wonder if the bottom will drop at at one point. But then again, maybe it won't.