Yesterday felt like one of the worst days of my entire life. I thought I was gonna die. Yesterday meant so many things symbolically. It was the birthday of my daughter Audriana, she turned 6 years old. It was also the anniversary of the death of my only son, Audriana's twin brother. He would have been 6 years old. It was also the death of a friendship. I dont even know if I could call it a friendship but it was definetly strong and powerful. it was full of some personal, overwheling emotions. and yesterday all I could do is cry. I wished and prayed that I could see my daughter for her birthday. All of my daughters are my whole world, and life without them is useless and meaningless. I feel like I am just floating around not knowing what to do with my life now. Two years ago, a much needed change happened and at times it feels like I am stuck in a catch 22. I can win for losing. Two years ago I lost my four baby girls to cps, due to domestic violence and substance abuse. My girls leaving me was the most painful thing I ever experienced in life but in order to get out I had to let them go and even though it is bad and it hurts me every single day it was the most noble and selfless thing I have ever done in life because I know it was best for them and for me. If cps had never taken them I would have never gotten out of my abusive marriage and gotten the help I needed. That still doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt and its the worst kind of pain. The kind that makes ur whole chest hurt, the kind that makes you question your own existence. Question whether you should be living or breathing at all. I dont even feel like im living. I feel like I am dying every single day! I cant seem to shake this and I wish that i could because I cant live without my babies. I cant get passed this feeling and I feel like I am a waste everyday. I wish somebody can please help me get over this and be ok!