Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
*deep breath* So normally I'm an extremely happy, easy going person. I used to have a lot of friends, and had no problems making friends. Well, lately, I'm a shell of the girl I used to be. I'm not happy, I try to distract myself with studying, but even that I can't always focus on, and I just want to play a video game, or sit and watch tv and forget about my life. I have the most amazing 2 year old son, who is my everything, but I feel like I'm a terrible mother for him. My husband says I'm a good mom, but he says a lot of things (which I'll get into later). I know my son loves me, because he's always excited to see me, but still.... Thank god we have an amazing babysitter! He goes over to her house every day, since I'm usually in school and my husband works. I usually drop him off in the morning and pick him up sometime around 5 or 6 at night. He does wonderful over there, and learns a lot with the help of the older kids....and now i'm trying to justify why I don't spend more time with my kid... I'm terrified to be a stay at home mom honestly. I don't think I could do as good as a job as our babysitter. However, we may be moving soon (husband is military, I'm a veteran), and I won't have the option of a babysitter anymore because our little girl is due in August, and we move around October, and without me working, day care is just too expensive....
Anyway.... for the past 2-3 years now I've been fighting with depression. It's not something I like to admit, and I try to hide it, but it's getting worse. My doctor told me I need to go talk to a counselor since I refuse to take medicine (especially since I'm pregnant), buuuuut I'm ashamed to go talk to someone. So i figured maybe this will help...? I don't know... I'm not suicidal because I've seen too many people commit suicide and the side effects it has on other people. I would never want to do that to my family, or leave my son, and soon to be daughter, without a mother. I don't do drugs, nor have I ever. I drink, but not to the extent i'm an alcoholic. I actually used to help people who had problems with drugs and alcohol while I was in the military.
I think a big part of my problems is from my husband. He's not an emotional person, kinda... He's a great father, just a horrible husband. While I was deployed for 10 months, I wrote him a letter almost every day for the first 7-8 months, but never got anything back, so I gave up. (later found out he never even opened them because he was "scared they would be dear john letters") I rarely heard from him, which really hurt. Towards the end of deployment, I was extremely fed up with him, and almost cheated on him. I'm not a cheater, but I was really hurting. The people on the ship were amazing and were really supportive. One of my best friends, he was always on the same "work schedule" as me, and we usually ended up together at least 6-12 hours out of the day. He was married, and so he understood some of the problems. He was always there for me, but always as like a big brother. It was great having that kind of support. However, our spouses thought there was more between us, even though there wasn't, and his wife made him block me, and I haven't heard much from him since. My other best friends have slowly transferred to different areas, or we just don't talk anymore, or (and this is the main reason) I had a lot of guy friends, which my husband wasn't comfortable with, so I stopped hanging out with them. I grew up a tom boy, and grew up around all guys in my family. but my husband is an only child, so he doesn't understand where i come from. It's hard for me to make friends with girls, and I don't know why. I have friends back home, but I don't get to see them that often or talk to them that often because of our schedules.
I can't talk to my husband, because it's hard to. He doesn't really pay attention when I talk to him, or doesn't say anything. He always says he loves me, but doesn't show it ever. I always ask for a foot massage or a back rub, and have not relieved one while I've been pregnant. He always says he'll do it later, and later never comes. That how it is with everything. It's always later, and later never comes.
Last pregnancy I wanted nothing to do with sex, but this pregnancy It's like I always want it. I've tried 5 times with my husband, but always get either ignored or told not now. It makes me feel so unwanted and ugly, and I've tried to tell him that but he tells me I'm over thinking it, and he just isn't in the mood. I already have low self esteem right now because I feel fat and ugly while prego, i know it's just cause i'm pregnant but still.... A couple months ago I caught him on a dating site, he says he was just deleting it, but i don't fully believe him. I know he looks at porn, which I don't mind (kinda) because hell I look at porn. The dating website still bothers me though.. I lost a lot of trust for him that day. I still feel like he's hiding something. He says he's not, and he would never cheat, but he is good at manipulating people, and obviously good at lying. so i just don't know... It just hurts, and I have no one to really vent to or talk to about it.
Maybe I'm just over reacting, I don't know.
So this is so long, and it's kind of random with what I talk about it. There's a lot I didn't put in, but I need to go cook some dinner.
Anyway.... for the past 2-3 years now I've been fighting with depression. It's not something I like to admit, and I try to hide it, but it's getting worse. My doctor told me I need to go talk to a counselor since I refuse to take medicine (especially since I'm pregnant), buuuuut I'm ashamed to go talk to someone. So i figured maybe this will help...? I don't know... I'm not suicidal because I've seen too many people commit suicide and the side effects it has on other people. I would never want to do that to my family, or leave my son, and soon to be daughter, without a mother. I don't do drugs, nor have I ever. I drink, but not to the extent i'm an alcoholic. I actually used to help people who had problems with drugs and alcohol while I was in the military.
I think a big part of my problems is from my husband. He's not an emotional person, kinda... He's a great father, just a horrible husband. While I was deployed for 10 months, I wrote him a letter almost every day for the first 7-8 months, but never got anything back, so I gave up. (later found out he never even opened them because he was "scared they would be dear john letters") I rarely heard from him, which really hurt. Towards the end of deployment, I was extremely fed up with him, and almost cheated on him. I'm not a cheater, but I was really hurting. The people on the ship were amazing and were really supportive. One of my best friends, he was always on the same "work schedule" as me, and we usually ended up together at least 6-12 hours out of the day. He was married, and so he understood some of the problems. He was always there for me, but always as like a big brother. It was great having that kind of support. However, our spouses thought there was more between us, even though there wasn't, and his wife made him block me, and I haven't heard much from him since. My other best friends have slowly transferred to different areas, or we just don't talk anymore, or (and this is the main reason) I had a lot of guy friends, which my husband wasn't comfortable with, so I stopped hanging out with them. I grew up a tom boy, and grew up around all guys in my family. but my husband is an only child, so he doesn't understand where i come from. It's hard for me to make friends with girls, and I don't know why. I have friends back home, but I don't get to see them that often or talk to them that often because of our schedules.
I can't talk to my husband, because it's hard to. He doesn't really pay attention when I talk to him, or doesn't say anything. He always says he loves me, but doesn't show it ever. I always ask for a foot massage or a back rub, and have not relieved one while I've been pregnant. He always says he'll do it later, and later never comes. That how it is with everything. It's always later, and later never comes.
Last pregnancy I wanted nothing to do with sex, but this pregnancy It's like I always want it. I've tried 5 times with my husband, but always get either ignored or told not now. It makes me feel so unwanted and ugly, and I've tried to tell him that but he tells me I'm over thinking it, and he just isn't in the mood. I already have low self esteem right now because I feel fat and ugly while prego, i know it's just cause i'm pregnant but still.... A couple months ago I caught him on a dating site, he says he was just deleting it, but i don't fully believe him. I know he looks at porn, which I don't mind (kinda) because hell I look at porn. The dating website still bothers me though.. I lost a lot of trust for him that day. I still feel like he's hiding something. He says he's not, and he would never cheat, but he is good at manipulating people, and obviously good at lying. so i just don't know... It just hurts, and I have no one to really vent to or talk to about it.
Maybe I'm just over reacting, I don't know.
So this is so long, and it's kind of random with what I talk about it. There's a lot I didn't put in, but I need to go cook some dinner.
About being a stay-at-home mother: it's a huge adjustment and hard, but worth it. I think it took me six months to adjust, which sounds like a long time but was worth it. Moving to a slower pace was good for me. Having empty space in my life was good for me. I think it went on too long for me, but it is something I'd always recommend.
When you're alone at home with little children, you have time to think. And that means your past bubbles up. And that means you are stuck with having to resolve it. And that growth is worth it and can be given back to the children so that you are a calm, wise influence in their lives.
As to hubby: who knows? He sounds like my ex husband, but who even knows what that was all about? We find answers in places we don't expect.
I think counselling would be a good idea, but not because there's anything wrong with you. Heck no. Because the terrain you are travelling is slow by foot; and having a counsellor is like travelling by car. I wish I had had counselling. I wish I had not been raised by someone who despised psychology. My mother needed a shrink more than most people and I had no idea till I was in my forties. So many bad habits were passed on to me. So many wrong ideas.
My ex husband didn't want sex from when I became pregnant with my first, and that never came back after. The rejection and loneliness were very hard to bear. I bore it all alone, and eventually broke up with him. There is counselling you can get to help you deal with a spouse who is not interested. Lots of youtubes you could view. They seem to be aimed at women who won't have sex but from experience and talking to my friends, it's usually the guy.
Smoking: you can't win this. he has to be ready and you not liking him smoking creates the opposite effect. It makes the cigarettes precious. He needs them not to be precious if he is going to give them up. So the smoking war is something you can't win. You could buy him Allan Carr's easy way to quit smoking and tell him he only has to read it, he doesn't have to quit, just read it, for love of you...
but something tells me he won't. I feel like he's stringing you a line. Those letters - him not answering... if he had that level of an anxiety disorder you'd already know about it. I think he just talked to his mates about what would sound like a good excuse and fed that to you to get you off his back.
But this is why counselling. Because you can get feedback from someone who can talk to you live, watch your face, ask you questions. Don't get one that's into isms. Get one who is just a person, talking about person issues, being a person. You don't want someone who's going to psychoanalyse you. You want someone who can listen and produce sensible real-world ideas. I got that from a counsellor, not a psychologist.