I finally had a breakthrough. I have not been letting myself feel. I block out any hint of the pain inside me from my mom's emotional abuse or from all the self deprecation I do. I try to cover it up...to be strong. Tonight I finally let myself feel some of the pain. I just cried and cried. It felt so good. I hope this can help me to heal. I know the pain will never go away but hopefully it will get easier. Maybe then I can feel truly happy again. The full body happy where its warm from the inside out. All of my pain and despair is getting in the way at the moment. This feels so horrible and so good at the same time. I don't like facing the pain but its a release to let down the wall.
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