Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Why? Idk why I’m the way I am anymore. I do my best to help others feel good about themselves, help the laugh, smile, be there listening ear. Everyone always says I’m a great person for being so kind. But deep down I hate myself. I hate my face, I hate my smile, I hate my life. My head is spinning I can’t think straight anymore. It’s like my brain likes tormenting me... like it gets a kick out of watching me suffer. I want to reach out but nobody listens. I feel like an anchor, like I pull others down. I’m a distraction, a bother, a pest, an annoyance. I just want to disappear, like I never existed. Maybe then everything would be better, maybe my parents would have someone to be proud of. Maybe my friends would be happier. Nobody would even notice... I’m unlovable I realize more and more everyday. I’m not worth fighting for. So what’s the point of living if I’m living in pain?
Have you ever felt...I am always helping others...and when I need help no one is there for me? If so, read up on codependency. Did you grow up in a home where a parent had a personality disorder, drinking or drug problem, emotionally unavailable, abuse, and you had to literally grow up very fast and learn how to take care of yourself?
I didn't learn this until I was 37, as my life was falling apart b/c I was pretty much doing what you were doing...helping others...and neglecting myself. I knew exactly how to fix others problems...but for my own...I didn't even know where to start...or I felt like I wasn't that important to worry about my problems.
See...and here's the thing with codependency...by helping others...we look so competent...so when we need help...they don't even think we even need it b/c we seem to have our shit together...but there's a secret they don't know...we are not comfortable tending to our own needs or problems...and when we do...we feel guilt for it. Why?
Because we learned as small children...thru our dysfunctional parent...that their needs mattered more...due to their addictions, emotional problems or whatever...so we learn to put our feelings aside...and were trained as small children to put their feelings first...and so we continue this behavior with everyone else.
And then it becomes too much. You're giving your energy to help others...and you feel like shit inside.
Of course you don't feel lovable...b/c that's what codependency trains us to feel...like we aren't important...everyone else is.
It's a painful existence...b/c you're basically suppressing all your needs, self care, dreams, and desires...and putting it aside to help others...why?
Because it's a way to feel like we matter...to gain self esteem. That's the danger of being raised codependent. We look to others for our self esteem. What we can do for them...how to save them...how to fix them...how to impress them.
And here we are screaming and crying inside like neglected children.
So what now? Read all you can about codependency. And if any of this hits home for you...then be grateful you're only 20...and you're young and can learn to break all these bad habits before they get worst. Many a times we will end up with partners who will squeeze us dry emotional, physically, and mentally. So be on the look out for that.
First thing to do is self care. What is that you ask? Too me awhile to figure that out....that's where you do things that JSTAR likes to do...that makes him feel good, relaxed, happy. That can be a long nice walk, or watching a good movie, or treating yourself to something nice you've always wanted to do, learning a new hobby, finding a new book...and you slowly learn to fulfill your own needs.
When you want to help...you can help...but you have to draw the line somewhere. For example: Will helping this person drain me, cost me money, take up time I need for myself, or hurt me? Then don't do it.
If you want to give and it will not be negative for you...then you can.
But right now...you need to focus on yourself...learn to put yourself first. When you do this...you will slowly make yourself a priority. You will realize this is a good habit to have.
It's like you can't really go around helping people carry things if you have two broken arms right? It's time to let your broken arms heal...and let others help you.
Sending you light and love!