I've been feeling very bad lately.  Physically I have this new problem and then all the other ones.  It's like too many rocks are being piled on top of me.  I can't bear the load.  It's a really scary feeling.  I need to go the those damned doctors and get some better pain meds.  They have been so incredibly hard to deal with and unhelpful. I don't think they even see me as a person, like I don't even register with them at all.  They come into the exam room in a hurry and obviously having not even looked at my chart.  Some of them don't even remember I have cancer even though I have seen them about it before.

It feels like i have been trying to crawl out of this deep hole for years and then someone just threw a ton more dirt on top of my head and I'm buried.  I actually feel physically and mentally immobilized.  I don't know who to cope with all of this anymore.  The physical pain itself is overwhelming.  I am surprised someone can be as ill as I am and not be actively dying.  Maybe I am.  I don't even know what is going on anymore.  I can't get the right care.  It's terrifying.