I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low. Please contact someone (see crisis lines at the bottom of the page). I think that holidays can make us all feel more lonely and isolated.
I understand the worry, the pain etc...and how you feel like damaged group.
You came here and posted. That's a huge step. You truly are not alone.
Please keep posting

Thank you for your reply. I just can't shift this feeling. I have set a date and I can't focus on anything else

How about looking for some short term respite to give you some time to
try to get beyond these thoughts and put a plan together?
Hard as it may be sometimes opening up to a friend or family may
be a good step. Of course, choose wisely and if there is nobody that you
feel that you can trust, please call your local mental health center.
Most mental health centers are staffed 24 hours a day. You really need
to focus on you right now.

My mental health team are aware I have a plan but are using positive risk management. That's fine with me. I'm scared I'm going to hell though, even though I'm not particularly religious. I have left a letter for my children and I hopefull that this will help them understand

Well, even though, you may want to call them.
It's fine that they are using a positive risk plan but if
you are feeling that you are going to kill yourself, you
need to call them ASAP.
I know someone who killed herself on Mem. Day weekend two years ago.
One of her daughters has not been able to function since.
The impact on the lives of those that she's left behind is indescribable.
I do not mean to diminish your feelings of pain and desperation, but
just asking you to try to hesitate in acting on your impulses until you
are someplace where you can be safe for awhile.
Do you live in the US? If so, there are many resources.

I have not seen you here before. I have a feeling you are new to this group. Give us a chance to help you. Suicide is a very bad bet. You have no idea what you are going to get ... yet you bet your LIFE. Not a good deal.

Take the idea off the table. Dump the drugs ... they are no solution of any kind except maybe in a criminal execution .... and you are no criminal.

Hang out here for a bit and see what we do here. There has NEVER been an approval for suicide. Bad idea.

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. I know that feeling of wanting to end the intolerable feelings of pain and anxiety. Sometimes when I am feeling really bad I call the national suicide line at 1-800-273-8255 and talk to someone there.
They are very nice and good listeners and can give you some support and coping strategies.

Your kids need their mom to be there for them. The consequences of them losing you would be devastating. And like you say, we don't know what happens to us after we die and you don't actually know if you would even "succeed" by taking those pills.

I also feel like ending my life a lot and, this might sound bad, but just daydreaming about being gone and knowing that I am not going to actually follow through can alleviate some
of the pain. I don't know if that's a great thing to say but it kind of works for me.

I come here too sometimes because at least you know you can talk with people who know what you are feeling. Sometimes writing in the "journal" section here helps, talking or writing about some of the major stressors in your life can take off a little pressure.

I hope you are feeling a little better today. Please write me anytime of you want.

Hope that you're doing a little bit better. Hang on. Have you ever tried Radical Acceptance? Would not encourage you to accept the suicidality but whatever pain and distress are causing you to feel this way. Radical acceptance is about ceasing to fight against the pain, sadness and desperation and just to accept that for now, the short term, to just stop fighting and to "radically accept" things.

That may or may not work, but it's something that has helped me when I'm really struggling (the trick is to try to stop struggling and to temporarily accept). Thinking of you

Please do not try overdosing on anything, especially blood pressure medication. I have been where you are and things always change eventually. You will not feel the same way at this time next year. Please call for help because you are very worth it. Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Please see someone for help, and things may get better.

TrystView, I think most of us here have been right where you are now. we get it but we are still here. this may be more severe than what I have gone through (it definitely sounds like it) but still, be strong, have a purpose in life, for now you need rest and recuperation but soon, find something to work towards, death will take us all soon enough. make what you do impact a greater cause, don't die for yourself; live for God! 1 Corinthians 10: 13- No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man. And God is faithful: who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able. but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. I will be praying for you, I have never been suicidal but I have done other things, please just live one day at a time and if you need to break away; do it. just hold on.