Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I was seeing a therapist for about 2 months in which I talked about my issues with my identity and how throughout my life, because of who people refer to me as and how people know me, it has time and time again made me irritated to the point to where I end up wanting to kill myself.
When I was in therapy and I was trying to talk about a lot of this stuff, a lot of this issues with my identity that made me so out of it and depressed was rooted in how I was raised. My father was physically abusive using more than his hand for a spanking and a lot of that was also very, very verbal and emotional for me. I was going to post to the Transgender board because thats where my therapy sessions was heading but honestly I guess according to my therapist, I have basically cut myself off from a lot of people to isolate myself.
Then a while back a Crisis Line where I lived talked about this website as a way of having some sort of social support for people dealing with problems kind of like mine. I read through the board but didn't think I would benefit much from posting, but honestly after everything I am just wanting a place that is safe where I can vent about things as I work with my psychiatrist and therapist.
Today, I felt like wanting to call for help with my suicidal idle thinking but I kind of got over it with some music but it seems to always be whhen I reflect on the person people want me to be that are left that talk to me, vversus the state of me feeling so helpless and stuck in my life...
You can make it public or a few or all private. Its up to you....
Writing in a diary or journal is highly therapeutic.
Good luck...
I have a friend who suffered substantial abuse as did her brother. The foster parent died and she went to the funeral and yelled about what he did. The widow was furious, called the police and charges were filed but when the girl was about to discuss all he had done the matter was resolved. So she did get her say and was glad she did it.
So what I did to handle my fustrations was I first wrote a letter about my fustrations to not send to my father and talked about that in therapy. Then I had to try to think about three things that I liked about my dad (which at the time seemed seemingly insane to figure out). Afterwords I had the right things to say just in an email to my father, which he later retorted that he didn't want no apology from me and then later my grandmother pretty much retorted that he doesn't even care to establish dialogue with me anymore.
So handing emotions about people that basically socially and physically unreachable was a hurdle but eventually the idea was "the ball is in their court".
However the root of my "identity complex" which I preferred to call it was supposedly how I felt about myself growing up and hating living up to the stereotypes and also how many times my actual name was used in a derogatory manner not just by family but also friends as well. So within the last few years I ended up having close people that cared to call me by a old nickname I had being AJ.
However I started to feel more stuck with myself when I would have lapses where I would have thought I was merely taking a nap or what not but I found myself living with what seemed to be another personality so then I brought up multiple personalities as well but then that got chopped up to a conclusion to where I hated being aware of life in my body, mind, etc to the point to where I somehow managed to completely dissociate and it brought up new questions about identity as it revolves around gender as well.
it freaking gets overwhelming thought because both my psychiatrist and therapist say they are treating this as a dual diagnosis or latter, multiple diagnosis that when I try to talk about one thing, its like tugging on a piece of ball of yarn and a lot of my life conflicts come up as well...
When I feel like I am coming close to resolve things like when I was doing the CBT therapy, I find myself yet with more questions and trying to find resolve with my life.
Then more recently I started to learn about identity issues more fully than I ever had but when I try to find answers between sessions and such, I find myself wanting to leave life completely because the answers I find make me feel like I can't escape.... thus making me stuck.... and feeling that there is no hope for me.
As of late, I have noticed that the different hobbies I used to do have lost meaning to me like the strange tv shows and movies where I feel more sensitive and I just don't like things as much. This has also went into my realm where I played video games where I just don't feel the "glee" factor in it.
I sent a message to my therapist (saw I had the option) about how things are going (and not going) without finding a new therapist to continue doing therapy sessions with.
You are not alone in this! There are many of us who struggle/have struggled with identity issues and societal roles. I am a 55yr old male who has had a lifetime of struggle - I can relate to many of the things you are saying about abuse from your family, that feeling of not fitting in anywhere, social anxiety, dissociation, imposter syndrome, depression, self-loathing.... I've been through it all, and it's only been in the last 3yrs that I have admitted, recognized and accepted that I'm gender dysphoric. I really should be a woman. Nobody comes close to understanding that unless you've lived this life of always feeling on the outside, always uncertain of who you are.
There's so much more I want to say to you, but I'll PM you in the next couple of days. Until then, keep doing your CBT, do some research on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and be encouraged to know that there are many, many people who are traveling this road with you. Stay strong!