Depression Support Group
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My apologies in advance for this rather long post. Last night I was hit with this overwhelming sense of loneliness. It brought me to tears. One minute I was sitting ont he couch watching tv with the hubby and the next I was in the bathroom bent over the toilet trying to catch my breath. I have been lonely for quiet some time despite being from a large family and marrying young. A little background-
I am the oldest of 4 and my youngest sister was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago. Luckily she has been in remission for 10 yrs now and I couldn't be happier. BUT that doesn't mean that our family dynamic hasn't suffered. She is the apple of my parent's (and grandparents and aunt's and uncle's) eyes. She monopolizes conversations at every family gathering and no one seems to mind. I don't think I have said a word at thanksgiving dinner in 5 years. My mother defends her without question and at the expense of our relationship. I've tried to talk to her but she doesn't understand where I am coming from. To add a little insult to injury, my mother happily got my sister into therapy a year ago but never brought me even after years of acting out and asking out right. It sounds petty and I know I should let most of this go but it is tough. She is 16 now and to put it bluntly is just not a nice person. She is my sister and I love her but I definitely do not like her. It has gotten to the point where my husband and I don't even want to go to family gatherings because we know it is just another episode of the Elizabeth show.
As for my more extended family, they just don't seem to like me. Like I said, my younger sister is on a pedastal, my brother is the only boy and therefore special, and my other sister is gainfully employed by my aunt she likes her so much. I don't know what I did to them but they seem to be completely indifferent to me. They were more excited about Elizabeth getting a first date than me getting married. When we told them we were engaged it went from negativity to indifference to at least it's an open bar. These are not distant relatives...these are the aunts I spent my summers with. I don't get it.
And finally my husband. I feel alone with him most often. I know he loves me and provides for me and our fur baby but something is missing. I've asked for more intimacy with little results. I've asked for more understanding and communication, nothing. I try breaking the ice with fun questionaires and get "i don't know" for my answers. I get antsy staying at home and suggest going out. He usually is ok with going out but I have to plan what we do. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT HE HAVE A PLAN? There just comes a point where I worry that I'm asking too much but then again, even when I ask nothing happens. He doesn't even try. It's so beyond frustrating becasue he is not a bad guy. I just don't know how to make it any clearer to him that these are things I need for a successful marriage.
That's it. This was mostly a venting session with the holidays fast approaching but advice on how to improve any of these relationships is greatly appreciated. TIA
You're going to have to work with the material that you've got.
A couple of thoughts/ideas that might not apply to you though,
1. If you have felt left out by your family (like I have) you may give off vibes. Because god loves this kind of joke, the fact that you have been hurt makes you give off vibes that make others want to 'teach you a lesson.' I have had family members 'teach me lessons' in the darkest moments of my life and the lessons I have learned are that they're all self-obsessed assholes, but so long as I don't need a single thing from them, they're okay. My brother is the exception to this: he gave me money when I was poor. Now, that's help. No other help have I ever got from my wordy, self satisfied female relatives.
Invite siblings out. Develop your relationship with the brother and the other sister. One day you might manage to graduate to being friends with Elizabeth. :D Don't ask for much from the relationships, just hang out. A movie. Rollerblading. tenpin bowling. Stuff. Activities. Or dinners if they have that kind of talky talky nature. But going out is more fun.
2. This might help with hubby. I think you're a bit landlocked. Hubby's also only got so much inside him. You think you need things from him, but you aren't going to get them. You didn't marry a talker, clearly. Find what is good in him and value that, and get your talking from your other friends.
It's no good going into a marriage with expectations because God (that sense of humour again) will take a few years knocking them out of you. You don't even know what it takes for a successful marriage, because a successful marriage requires internal change from you that you haven't had time to make yet. You and hubby both need to grow, and neither of you starts out with the recipe for success. So take what you've got. Is it good enough for you? If yes, make your peace with it. If not, walk. But you can't change him, he is what he is, he will grow in his own way over time.
this is a lesson in zen. Zen self-abnegation and acceptance. When you master it nobody can break you ever again. Which is probably why it's a thing.
:D