Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since I was 12. I have been depressed for a long time and I often have bouts of severe depression, in which I think about suicide and what it would be like, and sometimes I think about how I might do it. I am turning 21 this June and I feel like my life is going no where. I haven't had a job in over a year, due to a fear of working because of past work experience and my anxiety. I have been going to college but my grant is running out and I have gotten no where with my degree. I have been with my boyfriend since we were 15 and have been living with him since we graduated high school at 17. We don't do anything as a couple and I barely even feel like we are a couple anymore. My cat of 13 years just died painfully from cancer and I cry every day for him. I miss him so much, and I feel so guilty about how he died. My mom is amazing and raised me by herself but lately she has been very distant and has been having a lot of health concerns and I worry she is becoming very ill with something serious. She is my closest friend but I don't want to bother her with my problems None of my "friends" (which I only have 2 people I call my friends) really care too much about me, and only take me for granted and use me. I see a therapist every other week and I am not on medication. I know that I am going to be depressed my whole life and I don't want to rely on chemicals to cope with symptoms, but I am starting to feel helpless. Sometimes I feel like maybe I just am not a likeable person, and will never have true friends or a true relationship. Or maybe I can just be alone for the rest of my life so I will not burden anyone anymore. I have a history of self-mutilation from cutting in the past but I do not do that anymore, although sometimes I want to. But I will hurt myself by means of digging my nails in my skin or hitting my head. I feel so stuck, overwhelmed, helpless, and anxious. I don't know what else to do so I am posting on here in hopes that someone may have some helpful advice...
As for the other stuff.. your mom probably wouldn't mind you talking to her about it if you guys are close. Is she seeing anyone about her health? Also is your therapist helpful for you?
My mom is seeing a specialist. She also has anxiety, worse than I do, so when I start to talk about my problems she gets kind of overwhelmed and starts getting upset. I love her and I understand her frustration so I try not to tell her my problems so my feelings don't end up getting hurt. I have seen my therapist for years and I am very comfortable with her, but I have been wondering lately if maybe I should be seeing someone else..
you've got a long journey in your life, you're only at the very start of it.
Tell your therapist how you are feeling. That's what she's there for.
Also: medication is not a bad thing. But it won't start working immediately. If you 'feel you need more' after a couple of months you are definitely taking the wrong kind of medication by a long shot. You may need to start low, and then after a month or two double the dose to the main dose that you remain with for a year or so - but that plateaus at that point, and stays put.
I really think it's worth a go. you're having a really tough time in your life and I think you would benefit from a quiet mind for a while.
I've been trying to talk to my therapist but she only wants to put me on medication.. But what happens after the year of being stabilized? I don't want to be on medication forever...
You don't have to be on medication forever. TBH I think that's an incredibly bad idea. But being on it for a year or 2 while you rediscover how to think more positively, is great.
I learned how normal people think. What they think about. Which is far LESS than what I did. I learned not to obsess, because I no longer felt obsessive. I learned not to morally judge all the time, because I no longer felt outrageously judgmental.
So I had a 'holiday' in normal person land. And when I went (slowly and very carefully) off the medication, I had an idea of how I wanted to feel inside myself, and could fine tune it as I went 'down' off the medication.
If you drive this, medication is great. But if you were to just lean on it, that would be bad.
I have to say though that your feelings about the future are pure depression-talk. You are talking depression talk. You need to get outside of this state so that you can review it more objectively, and see how much of it is anxiety or fear, or disappointment, rather than accurate understanding of the world.
The 1st 20 yrs of your life are nothing like the 2nd 20. The first are awful. It's by far a more awful thing to live through. Things get better and better. Life is a bell curve and you're still on the left-hand side of it going up. You can't judge how your life will turn out from a vantage point that's only 1/2 way up the mountain.
I lost my cat too and still miss him. Try not to feel guilty about the way he died it was not your fault. I felt guilty about the way my cat died too because I felt I should have spotted it sooner but it happened so suddenly.
You are dealing with such a lot right now, it is not surprising you feel the way you do. True friends are rare and you are still so young, you still do have time to meet people and form deeper bonds. My friends did not care for me much either and I lost most of them when I stopped going out and socialisng. They were not true friends after all. I only have 2 friends now I speak to and they understand depression but I feel lonely with them both in different ways.
I really believe you will not be alone for the rest of your life. So many doors closed for me when my dad died and I could not go to college and became a recluse dealing with so much pain and depression. And the years rolled on, but that is my story. It will not be yours. I try to distract myself by telling myself that things will somehow get better, or I read if the depression is not too bad, or watch a boxset on the tv. This has really helped, at least the escapism for a brief time. Even reading and writing down how I feel helps and music. If you like sad soulful music I could give you a few names.
Remember you are not alone. A huge amount of people feel like this, they just are not in the media and treated as if they did not exist when they do and shame on the media for not addressing the issue of lonliness and despair.
hugs
I suppose that's what I should do, instead of using the medication as a crutch as I did before... What would happen is I would take a medication and get regulated, then about 4-6 months later I need a dosage increase. Then I get an increase and another 4 months later I need another increase. I told my doc that I still felt as if I did not have much motivation. So my psychiatrist switched from SSRI to Welbutrin which was a pretty horrible experience so I just stopped taking medication altogether. Also, my mom has been on medication for her mental health and other conditions for years and will be on them all for the rest of her life, and her mental health only seems to get worse as the years roll on. She used to have a strong head on her shoulders but now she is an anxious mess. Maybe she does not have the right medication either?
I know that the things I feel are from my anxiety and depression, because I can't remember thinking of suicide when I was not in such a deep depression, but I just can't help thinking the intrusive thoughts. The people I live with are depressed and depressing so it does not help either because I'm not around positive people. When I come home I will sit in my car for like twenty minutes, or sometimes more, before going in because I know I will feel defeated when I walk in the door, and often times I just do not leave the house to avoid the feeling I feel when I get back home. I tried making friends but my depression scares them off, they think I am depressing to be around (which I believe is very true). I try to change my thinking and I'm trying to start giving myself more responsibilities so I do not mope around all day, but often I end up moping anyway and then feel down on myself for not getting my tasks done. It's a vicious cycle and I am tired. Thank you for your advice, it definitely helps hearing what works for others. I do not feel as helpless as I did last night, especially knowing I was using the medication wrong the whole time! Thank you, thank you!
In response to ellowyne:
Thank you very much for your understanding, it's good to know that I am not alone in my depression and that maybe my depression is validated. I often feel selfish and guilty because I know that others have a life much worse than mine... My cat's passing has been the hardest thing for me thus far in my life. He was a birthday present for my eighth birthday, and he was the sweetest and most bad-ass cat a girl could have. I never had many friends growing up but he was always there for me. I syringe-fed him for weeks until his last day. I can completely relate with feeling like I should have spotted it sooner and maybe he could have been saved.. He passed from a cancerous tumor on his tongue, which made all the things he loved doing (eating, playing, sleeping in his favorite position) very difficult and painful for him... I always get left with the feeling that there is so much more I could have done for him. The health issues with my mom came up while my cat was dying, and now I cant help but feel like she is sick and keeping it from me because she knows I am suffering a loss already.. My mom is my world. I don't know what I would do if I lost her./
When it comes to making friends, I try but I feel like everyone in my town in superficial. I have made some friends but lost them shortly after because I bummed them out. I totally get what you mean when you say you still feel alone with you friends. My friends I have now try to be supportive, but I just feel like they don't understand me or what I'm going through. I don't really feel like anyone does. I'm EXTREMELY sensitive.
I try journaling when I feel really anxious and I need to get it out or I will explode (or so it feels like), but music is the thing that really gets it out for me. I can just listen and sing and cry and I will feel a little better afterwards. I'd love to hear any suggestions! Thank you again
And sorry for the lengthy response!!!!!
I felt so guilty at not spending more time with him and wish I could go back and hug him still. He was a sensitive friendly little soul I still ache for. So I really understand the grief over the loss of such a dear friend and how deep it can go.
I am so sorry he suffered and it must have been awful for you having to take care of him and feeling so helpless. Truly heartbreaking. You did do so much for him, I am sure you was a loving gentle nurse and have nothing to feeel guilty about. Thought I understand that too, as I also have regrets and longed to have held him and stroked him more. He always wanted to play when I had to go to bed and would scratch on my door to be with me, but I needed to get up the next day and was tired so went to bed. I regret that now too..
As for spotting it sooner. How could you? What signs could there have been? It is so hard to tell when pets are not well.
I feel for you with worries about your mum. Please try not to worry.
Though I know it is hard because she means so much to you.
I understand the lonliness with friendships too. I think that a lot of people are superficial and are afraid to talk about deeper things which are not small talk.
I will pm you with ideas for music and talk more.
I also love music and cry and write to it which helps. It is surprising what can come out when writing in an intense state.
hugs