It's definitely not your fault that the meds haven't worked. I actually running into the same problem with my meds. I've been through almost everything on the market and nothing is working so far. I also feel alone and empty inside. I just thought you may like to know that you're not alone.

It's good to know that their are others like me out there, but the only problem is I don't want to be going on a "trial and error" with medication trying to make me feel something my whole life. It's been long enough. My wife doesn't need that nor does anyone else who cares about me.

I truly hope YOU never give up.

'H' I am not sure beyond meds what you have tried. I approach my life in a holistic way in trying to stay well. I do meditation, have participated in cognitive behavioral therapy, presently participate in quigong(relaxation movements) and yes talk therapy(With the right therapist this is huge) just to name a few non-med approaches. A reason to live and fight. You have a huge one in your lovely wife. I lost my wife to cancer 18 months ago and I know others who have lost their spouses to suicide and truthfully I dont think there is nothing that can break ones heart more. When I was sick and my wife was alive I used to apologize to her for being a burden. She reassured with with her love I wasnt. When she fought cancer and apologized to me for being a burden and with love I told her she wasnt. It is the disease called depression that lies to us about being a burden. I know a lady who was with her partner 40 years and 5 years later is still trying to recover from the loss. For both you and your partner please keep fighting. I know the fight is exhausting but to share your life with someone who loves you is alot to throw away. Wishing you peace. Gerald

No, I have to disagree with you in two areas. One, your wife DOES deserve you, and YOU deserve her. Do you have any idea what is going to happen to her if something happens to you? I am not trying to make you feel guilty, not in the least, but I have watched what happens to those left behind when someone takes their life. I was friends with my ex husband for 42 years before he took his life. It's been over 2 years now and my youngest son is still mourning the loss. And others are feeling guilty, including myself because I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say to him. I just assumed (bad word) that I would get the chance down the road or another day. Detaching yourself and disassociating yourself is not going to make it easier for anyone, in fact, it just may make everything worse. Please believe me when I speak to you this way.
As far as trying every med there is, well, something hasn't been tried, you need a new doctor, something is missing. I am not going to ask you all the questions as to whether or not you are seeing a therapist, what medications you have tried, etc.... etc... I'm sure you have been asked these questions time and time again. I am just asking you to not give up on life. I don't know what the answer is and I won't pretend that I do, I just know it's not time.
For your second remark: The other side does NOT call you. It is obviously not your time. There is only one person who knows when that is. (That is my opinion.)
I hope that you are able to share all of your pains and sadness with your wife. If she doesn't know just how painful all of this is for you, she cannot help, and if she doesn't know and something were to happen to you, just imagine what she would go through the rest of her life. Have you been on this board before? There are so many people that have been where you are at right now and are here to support you, all the way, any way that they can. Another good site is the Loneliness board. They too will give you all the support a person could ask for. Please don't give up on yourself. We won't. Many hugs to you. Gramybear

Thank you Gerald and Gramybear for your comments and support. Gerald yes I do realize that by me ending my life throwing away the love of my life is a lot to lose. But as I sit here thinking, if I cant be happy and enjoy life with her..What am I good for? She is so pure of heart, helps anyone as much as she can, I just want her to take time and help herself and I feel like she isn't able to do that when she is always looking after me (even though I know that's what spouses do when they love each other). By the way I am SO very sorry that you lost your wife to cancer Gerald. I cant imagine how that must feel.
Gramybear: I am very sorry to hear that you lost your ex husband. And I'm sorry to hear that your youngest is still mourning the loss. That has to be very hard. When I think about what will happen after I'm gone I just figure that my wife will be taken care of by her mom and the more than one handful of good friends that she has (she is a very popular woman). But it's also very hard for me to live each day to the fullest when I'm not living life for myself. I have insecurities because my wife hid things from me in the past ( because she didn't want to upset me...she likes to make sure EVERYONE is happy) so that has been an issue running through my mind and yes we have went to counseling for it. We then starting communicating better about things however I found out yet another major factor that happened to her though a good friend of ours that she kept from me and she got very very hurt but she doesn't want me to do anything about it or tell anyone. So I'm feeling trapped and all these mixed emotions that I feel I cannot go on keeping this horrible tragedy to myself and not doing something about it. She doesn't even like to talk about it when it's just the two of us. I realize she is in the "freeze" zone of the (flight, fight, or freeze) but I'm trying to be as supportive as possible.
I'm sorry I know that that has nothing to do with anyone, it's just something hugely that has a factor in why I feel the way I do about life right now.
My mental med doctor is NOT the best right now but he is the only one in my area who is willing to prescribe me my anxiety medicine (since it's a benzo) that DOES work very well and he just has about given up on me with my mood stabilizers.

Oh and Gramybear, my wife does know that my depression is coming back but she does not know how bad it's gotten because I do not want her to worry. She has so much on her plate right now. She carry's a lot of stress on her shoulder's and doesn't really take much time for herself (she's very passive). And she is having depression problems of her own right now as well so I'd rather not say anything. Both of us suffer from a lot of the same mental disorders (ED, PTSD, Depression, Bipolar, Borderline Personality, etc.) so I feel that there's nothing she can really do about it. It's all my mentalness and none of the situational factors are going to change.

Just wanted to let you know since I forgot to add it in my last post. I want to thank you for being so supportive and just being there to listen and for me to talk to Gerald and Gramybear.

rebels, there are your answers! If your wife is having such a hard time right now dealing with things going on that are so personal, what would happen if she didn't have you in her life? She would be devastated. Please think about that and see how much she needs you as well as how much you need her! Hugs

Rebels in every relationship people bring their baggage for lack of a better word. Their secrets, their mistakes, their insecurities etc. My wife and I worked to sort our baggage for many many years. If you can work on doing the same with your wife this is a gift not only for you but both of you as a couple. I got to experience a oneness with my wife that is my hope everyone gets to experience at least once in their lifetime. What I am trying to do now is build what I call a safety net when depressive episodes occur. In my basket I need a good family doctor that understands depression(I had one that moved. Actively looking for another so far without success. 2) I need a good counselor. I have one but my insurance is running out shortly so hoping for a referral to another 3) Family and friend support. I lost both my wife and my closest friend to cancer both in the last 18 months. I am blessed with a sister I am close to 4) DS. The support this community provides is immeasurable. You said your wife has a large group of friends and yet she chose you. Thats means she saw something very special. Depression plays havoc with people's lives but it doesnt have to define who you are. Please fight for that special person your wife saw when she fell in love with you. All my best. Gerald

Sorry you're going through this.

I sweated my balls off--it was SOOO hot today down in Key Largo at a wedding I was filming, but I had a great time, and found the people very funny and receptive to my jokes too.

If meds have failed you, maybe you just need some quality Vitamin D from the sun and some sweaty exercise! Are you physically able to exercise?