I've failed as a mother too. Can't fail at a job as I can't work.

Everyone has failures in life. There's no such thing as a "perfect" friend, worker or parent. Other people you've encountered have their own problems and destinies and their shortcomings are not your fault. At the same time, you recognize your issues with alcohol and other things, which puts you ahead of many people. I hope and pray you find the right tools to deal with alcohol and your other issues. You're stronger than you know, and you want to be healthy, so that's half the battle right there.

You have succeeded in finding help on the Internet. Use it as much as possible as your virtual helper. You will never be told you are a failure here and help is always 24/7.

Thank you for the kind words. Sometimes it helps when someone else helps me put in perspective. I just need to figure how to naturally deal with these highs and lows. Ultimately, they have been coming in stronger and stronger.

I think that's the wobble as the wheels fall off. :D

Trick is to stop the bus and change the wheel because high speed crash can get messy. Ask me how I know this... ;)

I tend to think that to be a failure you have to be dead. Because until you're dead, you can change the situation. Until you are dead, you can fix things.

My gut feel is you carry a lot of guilt and you're not processing it at the time. Alcohol certainly is famous for helping people avoid processing guilt. Alcohol is famous for helping build that beaver dam upstream to hold more and more unresolved emotions till eventually the dam breaks and it all turns to custard.

You need to start removing those logs one by one. You need to pick something you feel bad about, and sit there, and feel bad. Feel bad till the bad feeling is all felt. Don't think. Don't talk. don't let your brain get in on this. Just feel it, cry if you need to. Cry it all out.

At the end of the process there should be a kind of rest. A state of peace. You have accepted this thing you did, and learned what it was trying to show you.

Feelings are trying to teach you something so if you block them, you not only create the pressure buildup of unresolved emotions, but you also don't learn the things you need to learn to not do them again.

It's a really organic process. So organic nobody gets taught it. So we all have to reinvent the wheel every generation.

I've read your post so many times now. And the replies. It makes me come to a stand still when I read then feel your pain. I don't even know you. I do know how it feels putting up a kind of "normal" front, a fake smile, a few witty remarks, but I don't like it either. We can't fool ourselves. Sometimes it's hardest to fool the people in our lives who love us, my husband and kids, for example. I know I get tired of explaining my moods to them, I feel like they deserve a break. But to try and mask my pain, when I know they know I'm pretending, is harder. So I let them know when I'm hurting. I've failed at jobs before for various reasons, so let's not worry about a job we no longer have. I'm a mom and at times I've felt like a giant failure, I think all parents feel that way at times. As a friend I'm not usually as attentive to the friendship as I should be, Sheese, what am I writing! I have very few friends. Now I feel like I'm not even helping. I just want you to know that you're not alone, hopefully these feelings of being a failure will pass. Chin up.

I too have these feelings of failure. There is nothing I can do to get rid of them. I can cope by going to AA meetings and OA meetings. They really help when I go. Today I am flooded with despair. I know this will pass. It is just a feeling. I will go to a meeting 8AM tomorrow morning, and again Sunday morning. I look forward to them.

I have felt this way all my life. I don't expect it will go away altogether. I am reading a book, After the Tears, about adults who have been raised in alcoholic or dysfunctional families. I am beginning to understand why I have this feeling of failure.

I have so been where you are walking; the ticket for me is to immediately reach out when I find myself in this mode...and you have and this is a great place to get lifted and held and loved and not judged. I find that even though I want to isolate, it is the worst thing for me for any extended period. One strategy that has worked well for me is to walk the dog, because it doesn't ordinarily demand much interaction from me other than between the dog and I and the exercise is triggering positive chemistry in my brain. Keeping you in my prayers and hugs from here.