I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't want to dissuade you from going to the hospital if you need to, but I think it's good that you don't want to go back -- that's a clear preference for wanting to live in a certain way, for being free and being engaged with the world.

But it sounds like professional treatment is still worth pursuing...are you seeing anyone or taking any meds.

Are there circumstances in your life about which you're not happy? I've found that while depression can sometimes be a strictly internally generated condition, it can also have roots in our relationship to the world and to the circumstances of our lives at the moment.

What have you tried recently to feel better? I've found that even though they don't shake me from my depression, exercise, being creative, or simply accomplishing tasks on my to-do list can center me a bit and help me to be more functional.

Please keep us up to date on this board about how you're doing.

It sounds like you don't have a Therapist and you're not taking any medication to help you through the depression, is that correct? Unfortunately, having depression can cause us to withdrawal from most everything, even our own family and those that we love. I know you can't explain any of this to your child, but I do hope you are able to open up to your fiancee. It's so important to have someone to talk to about what you are going through. You will find a great deal of care and support right here on DS but I hope you also have it in your home too. Again, a big welcome to DS! Hugs GB

How is your self-esteem? I ask this because I sabattoged a great relationship because I didn't feel worthy of their (my families) love. I thought it was about them, that they were too needy, that they expect too much affection from me and I can't stand affection. Truth was, I didn't trust that anyone could possibly love me, so I pushed them away. I was afraid of losing them, being rejected, so I tested them, unconsciously, to see if they could really know me, depression and all and love me anyway. No matter how they tried to show me, I didn't believe them because of my own low self-esteem. I ruined my family, we separated, and I've been lost for 3 years. Maybe this doesn't apply to you but please ask yourself, what do you want? Do you love your fianc and kids? How can you make steps towards showing them you care and love them, and believe that their love is just as significant. If I'm way off base I'm sorry. I just remember that feeling of having my skin crawl just having my daughter touch me, sent chills down my spine. I I didn't know how to accept that kind of love. I recommend getting a therapist if you are feeling unable to be touched. It may be related to past trauma, or perhaps a feeling that you cannot return the affection. I'll stop rambling. Hope something I said helps!

I see a therapist once a week and im taking abilify, clonopin, and lexapro. Its not tht i don't feel worthy of love i just can't feel it. It breaks my heart to hold my son or daughter and not feel anything.