Fortunately our feelings do not determine our futures unless we let them drive the bus.

>> ...my next residence [might] either be in the 'ward' or the grave...

I have had those same kinds of speculations in days past, and sometimes I even welcomed being locked up for the relief that brought from never-ending struggles. Who might you know that is reasonable successful in day-to-day living and would be willing to help you with some navigation and knowing what to do?

I remember commuting to work over a mountain range. I had to leave very early in the morning and I got home quite late. so here I would be, driving one of New Zealand's skinny, windy mountain roads, day after day. Both ways, tired.

I thought my number was up. I began to feel like I was running out of trips, that the great big thumb in the sky was going to come down and squish me, one day, at random, and that would be it.

I remember the feeling quite strongly.

I think we make fancies for ourselves. I think we are naturally primitive creates that want form and pattern in our lives, and get fancies that we allow to grow within ourselves.

I don't think we have to stick by them. I think we can chuck them in the bin whenever we feel like. I am no longer superstitious. I no longer have beliefs about the giant thumb in the sky. Or indeed anything in the sky. Letting go of all of that sort of thing was a huge relief.

Every so often (although more frequently recently) I get this ominous feeling of dread - that my life is reaching a critical path. Like see the roof of your house partially lift temporarily up during strong wind gusts & you know that during the next big storm it may (or will) blow completely off if it's not substantially secured...that's the feeling I'm getting - bracing myself for the next big wave...!

"...if it's not substantially secured."

I think that's your solution right there. I totally understand how you are feeling. Sometimes I just get this dread about a big destructive change coming. And then the wave comes, and it crashes, and even though there's some destruction, I'm still here.

Usually, what the feeling really meant was that something needed to change NOW. That roof needed to be completely replaced, with a new support system, using new, updated building materials, so now it's stronger than ever. The habits that were working for me before were not strong enough for the upcoming challenges...so they had to change.

Hang onto life and let go of the habits that aren't working anymore...even if they worked in the past.

I like what Miss Scales says, and I take the point about the roof lifting in the hurricane.

I think we need to be able to be the roof in the hurricane. To be in the eye of the storm. What can we take with us into that storm? Nothing. Just ourselves. That is ultimately all we are.

If we can fly by the seat of our pants then we can survive whatever comes at us. If we can adapt, if we can waterski on the river of chance, we can remain after all chaos has passed.

We might not look the same or feel the same, but we can remain.

Can't say it enough...Many people think that a suicide attempt is a selfish move because the person just does not care about the people left behind. I can tell you that when a person gets to that point, they truly believe that their loved ones will be much better off with them gone. This is mental illness not selfishness. TRUTH: Depression is a terrible disease and seems relentless. A lot of us have been close to that edge, or dealt with family members in a crisis, and some have lost friends and loved ones. Let's look out for each other and stop sweeping mental illness under the rug