Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I have been extremely depressed lately.
I feel that in my codependency I have driven everyone away. I barely have any friends left. I feel that because of my codependency I gravitate toward the wrong people constantly...I form attachments to them, I go completely out of my way for them and I give them everything I have...I also confide in them all the time...trusting them with all of my emotions, elements of my personal life, etc.
What ends up happening is that I take and take and take their bad behavior and attitude against me until one day I retaliate. I get upset at them, I finally voice my opinion. And they usually come back at me telling me that I'm crazy, using every personal aspect of my life that I have shared with them against me. And then they are gone and I feel as though I have lost everything.
I have experienced this many many many times and I always thought EVERYONE ELSE was wrong. I just thought everyone was so fucked up.
It is true that I have gravitated toward the wrong people. I am well educated, come from a good family, have gone to two top universities and am a hard worker. My sister pointed out to me the other day that many of the friends I have had in the past were bad news. People who were promiscuous, loved to drink, do drugs. I am DEFINITELY not a saint by any means. I have had casual sex with people, I have done a variety of drugs, etc. I am not sure why I was always attracted to these things.....but repelled by them at the same time. i always felt like I got attached to people who I knew I subconsciously could not rely on...but I gave them my heart and soul anyway...and then realized that they were drug addicts or that they were bitches to begin with and treated people badly or would do things like sleep with their boyfriends best friend or would talk negatively about people. (Not that I have anything against drug addicts. I dont have a stereotype against them at all but the particular alcoholics and addicts I have encountered in my life always seemed to mistreat me and those around them...like I said before, I am not a saint. I have tried many things and have abused alcohol in the past, etc).
I am not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore. I find that if I am in an argument, I need someone to talk to immediately following or before or during the argument...to help me distinguish right from wrong. I no longer know if my feelings are real. I no longer know if I am right or if the person I fight with is right. I don't know if I am overreacting or being hypersensitive or showing characteristics of borderline personality disorder.....or if I am finally voicing my opinion against people who have mistreated me for a long time. I dont know who I fucking am anymore. And its such a lonely, terrible place to be in. I no longer feel comfortable being myself...voicing my opinions. I live in fear of myself every day. Worried that I will fuck up another friendship, worried that I will lose everyone, worried that I will keep letting people in my life who aren't good for me. I dont remember when simple things like maintaining friendships felt so hard. All of these things that made me so happy are now...impossible to do and impossible to enjoy.
I think I have started feeling worse and worse and worse about myself since it was brought to my attention that I am codependent and may have characteristics of someone who is obsessive and/or borderline.
It was brought to my attention after a TERRIBLE breakup...after the man I thought I would marry broke my heart. And again through my therapist.
I find that every day I sink deeper and deeper into a depression, despite trying to change and trying to treat others better. How does one accept responsibility for all of the suffering they have endured and caused to others throughout their entire life? How does one forgive themselves? Every day I am submerged by memories of friendships lost, all of the petty stupid arguments I had that lead to friendships ending, all of the ways my heart was broken because of the ways that I BEHAVED.
I felt so much happier when I felt like I was "normal". When I felt like...I could cast responsibility on the rest of the world. When I felt like I could point a finger at everyone else, and feel like I owned the right to an opinion....the right to my sanity. I no longer possess both and I feel so lost and out of control and unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel. My head is always spinning. I constantly feel heartbreak and guilt for all of those that I hurt and locked out of my life and wish I could go back to. I feel sick thinking about how many people have accused me of being crazy and how many people will in my future.
How do I pull myself out of this depression? How do I feel less alone?
I have become so used to relying on the acceptance and company of others that when I am alone...I feel disgust. Disgust at myself. Nothingness, emptiness, a lack of hopefulness. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
I feel that in my codependency I have driven everyone away. I barely have any friends left. I feel that because of my codependency I gravitate toward the wrong people constantly...I form attachments to them, I go completely out of my way for them and I give them everything I have...I also confide in them all the time...trusting them with all of my emotions, elements of my personal life, etc.
What ends up happening is that I take and take and take their bad behavior and attitude against me until one day I retaliate. I get upset at them, I finally voice my opinion. And they usually come back at me telling me that I'm crazy, using every personal aspect of my life that I have shared with them against me. And then they are gone and I feel as though I have lost everything.
I have experienced this many many many times and I always thought EVERYONE ELSE was wrong. I just thought everyone was so fucked up.
It is true that I have gravitated toward the wrong people. I am well educated, come from a good family, have gone to two top universities and am a hard worker. My sister pointed out to me the other day that many of the friends I have had in the past were bad news. People who were promiscuous, loved to drink, do drugs. I am DEFINITELY not a saint by any means. I have had casual sex with people, I have done a variety of drugs, etc. I am not sure why I was always attracted to these things.....but repelled by them at the same time. i always felt like I got attached to people who I knew I subconsciously could not rely on...but I gave them my heart and soul anyway...and then realized that they were drug addicts or that they were bitches to begin with and treated people badly or would do things like sleep with their boyfriends best friend or would talk negatively about people. (Not that I have anything against drug addicts. I dont have a stereotype against them at all but the particular alcoholics and addicts I have encountered in my life always seemed to mistreat me and those around them...like I said before, I am not a saint. I have tried many things and have abused alcohol in the past, etc).
I am not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore. I find that if I am in an argument, I need someone to talk to immediately following or before or during the argument...to help me distinguish right from wrong. I no longer know if my feelings are real. I no longer know if I am right or if the person I fight with is right. I don't know if I am overreacting or being hypersensitive or showing characteristics of borderline personality disorder.....or if I am finally voicing my opinion against people who have mistreated me for a long time. I dont know who I fucking am anymore. And its such a lonely, terrible place to be in. I no longer feel comfortable being myself...voicing my opinions. I live in fear of myself every day. Worried that I will fuck up another friendship, worried that I will lose everyone, worried that I will keep letting people in my life who aren't good for me. I dont remember when simple things like maintaining friendships felt so hard. All of these things that made me so happy are now...impossible to do and impossible to enjoy.
I think I have started feeling worse and worse and worse about myself since it was brought to my attention that I am codependent and may have characteristics of someone who is obsessive and/or borderline.
It was brought to my attention after a TERRIBLE breakup...after the man I thought I would marry broke my heart. And again through my therapist.
I find that every day I sink deeper and deeper into a depression, despite trying to change and trying to treat others better. How does one accept responsibility for all of the suffering they have endured and caused to others throughout their entire life? How does one forgive themselves? Every day I am submerged by memories of friendships lost, all of the petty stupid arguments I had that lead to friendships ending, all of the ways my heart was broken because of the ways that I BEHAVED.
I felt so much happier when I felt like I was "normal". When I felt like...I could cast responsibility on the rest of the world. When I felt like I could point a finger at everyone else, and feel like I owned the right to an opinion....the right to my sanity. I no longer possess both and I feel so lost and out of control and unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel. My head is always spinning. I constantly feel heartbreak and guilt for all of those that I hurt and locked out of my life and wish I could go back to. I feel sick thinking about how many people have accused me of being crazy and how many people will in my future.
How do I pull myself out of this depression? How do I feel less alone?
I have become so used to relying on the acceptance and company of others that when I am alone...I feel disgust. Disgust at myself. Nothingness, emptiness, a lack of hopefulness. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
As anyone should be able to tell from your post ... 'depression' is VERY complex. Your post is sincere, I am sure ... but highly complex.
As such ... it will take a pro to (really) help you with these things. Its complexity is beyond that which can be addressed in a forum like this. You have complex questions.
I urge you to seek counselling from a qualified pro ... who can help you work this stuff out. Seriously .... your post calls for an analysis ... one far beyond what could be done here.
I tend to take a lot of mess from people and then when I finally blow...I get the your crazy statement. Truthfully, I am crazy mad when I reach that point. I usually end the relationship but put all the blame on me instead of the person it belongs. I also gravitate to the seedier side of life and bare my soul to them. It has never worked out for me but when the heart takes over, the brain completely shuts down. The only good alcoholic or drug addict is one in recovery. I do know that. I don't go around people who are using either.
Everyone has a right to their own opinions. Who care what others think. You have gotten into the habit of taking on everyone else's shit that you are lost in it.
Go to you co dependency groups, (there is even one of here you could use IN ADDITION, to this group). Learn how to take care of yourself. Shake you life up...do something different.
ZAZAS- I blame myself as well....I feel that I have pushed people out of my life without having a conscience. Or that I have lost loves in my life that put up with my behavior for a while until I realized...Oh shit...theyre leaving me, I need to get them back and apologize for my behavior.
I feel like there's a tricky line between having a conscience and not having one. I still have trouble understanding whether I may be borderline or not. I know its not necessary to diagnose myself or to be tied down by a diagnosis but....this particular issue of borderline personality disorder hits me hard, because my ex who I thought I would marry broke up with me by saying those things....and it just hurts to take responsibility for it. Its been hard for me to take responsibility for my actions and to discern whether I am dealing with the right people in my life. The people in my life do use drugs despite being former "addicts"....so that should indicate something. I know I could be around more positive influences.