Okay, childish subject title. It was the best way to summarize how I feel at the moment. I haven't posted in a long time. My partner and I moved back in with his parents for a while, now we've moved out with two friends and we all have our computers in the same room (we're gamers) and I feel awkward using dailystrength with people around. My boyfriend has a habit of asking what I'm doing all the time (in a well meaning, curious way) and I'd feel embarrassed saying "Oh just venting about my mental health problems."

Everyone's at a party tonight so I feel like I can finally get a few things off my chest here.

I have finally been diagnosed with Lupus. For my entire life Doctors blamed all of my problems on depression. Now finally I have answers. I know my depression has always interacted with my energy levels, but I always knew there was more than that. The aches and pains, having various different infections ALL the time, the fact that sometimes it really does feel physically impossible to get up in the morning.

I'm now learning how my lupus and depression interact with each other, and how the lupus feeds my depression. It's unbearable. I feel like I can't handle it any more. I've attempted and subsequently failed University too many times to go back (I was just too tired and unwell to go every day). I tried tafe (which is the Australian equivalent of Community College) and that was too much. I did a few months of fashion design and really loved it but couldn't keep up with the work. It's now become my dream to be a small time fashion designer - mainly making costumes and ethereal, fantasy style dresses.

And it is heartbreaking that sometimes I just can't. I lay there from the couch staring at the sewing machine and I just can't. The housework piles up and I just can't. My poor dog wants to go for a walk and I just can't. I'm twenty three and I feel like I have the body of a ninety year old. I don't even have the energy or strength to do the most basic household task most of the time. How am I suppose to do the things I really want to accomplish in life - like have friends, travel, be creative?

I've always been this way but somehow I thought I'd just snap out of this depression and suddenly be able to function normally. Now I know it's permanent.

I feel so useless and pathetic. Everyone my age has accomplished so much more. They're all so vivid and full of life and energy. I'm just this dull, pale, sickly thing. I never have the energy to socialize and even if I do I'm as awkward as all hell.

I have body dismorphic disorder too which always rises up to get me when I'm having a flare. It becomes an obsession. I spend hours every night staring at my reflection, mulling over how hideous I think I look. I love fashion but it has been a really long time since I had the confidence to wear the clothes that I love. I wear old tatty sweat pants that cost 10 dollars, baggy tee shirts and a dressing gown 99% of the time. I feel too ugly to wear my beautiful clothes.

I was supposed to go to this party tonight but declined at the last second. Partially because of feeling sick, and partially because of my BDD and social anxiety. I knew it would be a good idea to try to break out of the rut and to force myself to get out, be sociable, and put a bit of effort into my appearance again. But at the same time I know how I can be in social situations like parties. I just obsess about how all the other women are so much prettier than me, so much more interesting, and feeling extremely self conscious. All I can see is such-and-such's flowing, glossy hair, or some girl's pretty eyes, or someone who has longer legs than me, a smaller waist, or any number of other things. I feel like every single person is better looking than me, and I know it's vain to care that much, but I can't help it.

I hate that. Where did it come from? I love female company and female friendship, why do I have to make being female an automatic competition in my mind - one that I'm always losing?

There's a girl whose party it is that makes me feel especially bad. She often makes snide little comments and I'm never quite sure if they're directed at me or not. The other day in conversation she said "I don't mind women with a soft English accent. But I hate women with that deep, gravelly English voice." I'm English living in Australia and I've always been really self conscious about my voice. When I was in High School I'd get bullied because of how deep my voice is, and it's kind of husky too. That was such a specific description I feel like it was definitely about me.

These sorts of comments can cripple me... they just make me want to never speak to another human being again. I so desperately want energy and confidence. I never have the energy to do anything and that just hurts my confidence even more... it's a cycle that feels impossible to break.