Well i guess i can't really call Matt a "maggot " anymore- i got a shocking phone call and found out - the doctor told him- he probably has 7 years left to live.... life is so short! i wanted him to be punished but not in this way! i hope its ok that i feel sad and i care and i want to prevent this though i know i probably can't- i want him to be on a special diet, do everything they can - if it is at all possible to transplant pancreases-he is getting one! if u can live with half of one- he can have half of mine! i know what its like not having a father and i won't let his 2 boys go through that! though he is not with me- he is a human being and no matter what he put me through - i don't want him to die! someone tell me i'm not being irrational here! i want to go take care of him- i want to run into his arms and say- i'm here and i'll take u to get treatments and we will fight this- u will make it through! i've convinced myself that i'm cursed- every man i love - dies of something horrible- and everyone i love or get close to gets something horrible that they die from- how much more am i gonna have to go through til god says ok Brandi's had enough suffering! cause i'm near the breaking point now! just take my life and trade it for his god- take me instead! i can't watch another person die! my mom died of colon cancer- my first love died of 2 heart attacks and now this- why me lord? why must i suffer - am i being punished for all my sins! ? cause i believe i am- anyways i'm numb now- was very sad now its like i'm walking around in a daze- just wanted u all to know i'll no longer be calling him names - instead i'll be praying cause after all thats all i can do.. :(
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