I am trying so hard not to be like either of my parents. My mom and I haven't spoken since September; we got into a light (for us) argument about where I was going to live- she's a control freak, elitist, and has unreasonable expectations that my siblings have killed themselves to live up to. Since we last had a "good" conversation in September, we have communicated only through my dad, who in my opinion, is a robot and might as well be made of putty in her eyes. He makes all of the money for my family, a world-famous surgeon, but has no backbone to the nastiness of my mom. I find it toxic and almost infuriating that one side of him will bad-mouth her, talk and agree about how nasty she is, and the other side will be her flying monkey, doing whatever she says and not questioning the rest.

I live in NYC and am extremely isolated at the moment. I have no boyfriend, no real social motivation to go out with people I don't feel comfortable with- those that do are my three friends who live in another city. Other than that, I am worn out and feel like a speck in this massive city. Dating is so difficult, and it seems like everyone I meet, I'll eventually be lost to another greater person along the way. I have a dog, and he's my motivation for waking up and getting out in the morning- he literally is the only thing that makes me wake up. 

If you all recently saw the documentary on Tonya Harding, it was incredibly moving for me as I've struggled to describe my mom to anyone who doesn't know me inside and out like my three friends. My mom is the elite, married-into-wealth version of Tonya Harding's mom-- she's incredibly unrealistic, critical, and withholding of love. The only difference is Tonya Harding's mom wants forgiveness, and my mom is stone cold and authoritative- almost like a German soldier. She doesn't care or want my attention. She's made no effort to win me back.. she literally dropped me because I can provide nothing to her. 

I come from a family of achievers- all of my siblings went to an Ivy League and I went to a sub-par college in the South. I've always been fat when they've been thin, I got pregnant (resulting in a miscarriage at age 25)...my mom never came to the hospital the three days I was in it because she was too embarrassed. She sat at home on the couch while my dad traveled and I got injections of methotrexate to help the miscarriage along.

I'm 28 now, I feel the weight of being alone in my late 20's as a flaw and yet again, another failure. If I could only get married and do life the right way, maybe she would like me? Maybe my dad would talk about something other than himself when he called? I feel so, so lost. I am heartbroken over the fact my mom won't speak to me. We are estranged and I don't ever see a reconciliation in sight. There is something fundamentally wrong with her emotional abilities (this I know), but I never fathomed there would be a time where she completely gives up. When I went home for Christmas, it was this weird feeling of being around strangers... it's the worst feeling leaving NYC and going to another strange place.. I feel like I can't let go and relax and be with someone. I don't feel like I have a home to fall back on. I could care less about material things, but on Christmas they became such a metaphor to me. Each of my siblings got a new laptop, high fashion clothing, and mounds of gifts... I got socks and gloves... no joke. It's something out of a movie. I think it's so hard to describe my mom because I know so few people who have this issue. It has ruined my life and I search every day to find peace with this. I'm back on my anti-depressants after going cold-turkey because I thought they didn't work (what a mistake...) I think they do, just subtly. Life feels bleak and uncertain, I feel meaningless and lost without my mom. The best way to describe her is "ice queen".