as i stated in my previous posts, i am not in the happiest of the moments right now. and of all the many problems i have, insomnia (along with major depression) is what hits me harder. this offers me a lot of time to think.

i am just slowly coming out from an everlooping period of suicidal thoughts, and i say i am coming out because i had, in fact, the time, the way and the will to sit down, to squeeze my balls as hard i could, and to try to think rationally.

some may beg to differ with me here, but personally i think the act of suicide takes an enormous amount of effort, especially mentally-wise. then, in a shot of lucidity, i posed myself this question: "why can't i catalyse all those efforts i am facing into SOMETHING. that something that can actually help me get back on my knees, in due time, and step out of this mess i reckon i'm in?"

took me a real long time of meditation. in the end, the answer was "i might not be able to make it. but can ten thousand thunders strike me now if i am not gonna at least try".

it only takes a spark. i like to see it as an "inverse suicide", where you are on the edge and you are waiting for that one trigger that defines the gap between life and death. i had my trigger. the trigger to eat all this shit i am into, digest it, puke it all around if i need to, but make something good out of it. and i know i cannot be the only one here. i know there are dozens, hundreds, thousands of people that are just in need of that little shove.

do the right thing. think. think again and then think once more before you act. as long as you have that tiny flame inside, don't leave yourself for dead.

deep within me, i really hope these words could be of use to someone who's living a scenario like mine.

you are not alone.