I was having a rare good day today.

A new episode of my favorite show came out, I learned my youngest gerbil loves Christmas trees, I convinced my mom not to sign me up for a school, I learned some coding...

Then my Grandma started emailing. We talked a little. She knows I'm staying home for Thanksgiving. I told her we are planning on having Chinese for Thanksgiving dinner because "we're wild that way". She just replied back: "whatever."

That got my depression starting. She obviously is upset my sister and I aren't coming. She's 86 and is a little grumpy. I know I shouldn't feel this way. But now I feel like she's taking it personally.

The main reasons I'm staying home is 1) To help my mom at the market earn money for the family. 2) To take care of my gerbils. 3) I'm to scared to spend a holiday with my huge family. And 4) So my dad and older sister can fly up to save time.

After this, my sister joked around saying mom was going to kill me to teach her a lesson. (It's a joke in our family. Don't worry) That joke terrified me this time. I have been having these recurring dreams of my mom trying to execute me in different ways. It's usually where I lose something and have to suffer the consequences. In these dreams, I face my fate bravely until she's just about to do it. That's when I freak out. I don't know why I keep having these dreams. My mom would never kill me. Maybe it's because I'm scared she'll hesitate to save me? I believe, if ever a time came, if my older sister and I were in grave danger and she could only save one of us, she would save my older sister. They have a strong bond and she doesn't really understand why I have this mental illness.

I know, I know. It's just a dream. But it's recurring and scary. I do believe that some dreams mean something and I'm afraid of what this one might mean if it meant anything at all.

I've been getting nightmares a lot lately. Just a few days ago, I woke up thrashing around.

I also had another bad dream where I was being arrested or kidnapped and my mom didn't care.

My sisters also have had a dream (maybe the same one) where a hurricane was coming and she just kept on talking with someone, not caring about the danger when it was obviously very dangerous.

Though, I don't think these are connected. My sisters can just laugh these off. I get scared of being murdered.

In another dream, my older sister mudered my grandma I was telling you about earlier. I was scared of her for a few days (Maybe a few weeks)

Then, the dreams that aren't about my family. Count Olaf from the Series of Unfortunate Events was in one. He was just sitting in a wheelbarrow not wanting to act. I am terrified of him ever since I watched the last episode of the TV series when he died (sorry about the spoilers). I don't know why. I used to love that show. I even reccomended it to my best friend's family. Now, if I even see a picture from it, my immediate, uncontrollable response is to hide, run, scream, etc.

Have either of you watched Touched By an Angel? My family loves that show. One character, Andrew, the Angel of Death, (Played by John Dye) I had a nightmare about. He was just walking around the library, trying to catch up with me until he got mad at me for running away so much. I ended up running from a gang. When they caught me, I pretended like it was a test to see if it was a good enough gang for me to join. Because of that dream, I have the exact same immediate, uncontrollable response whenever I see his face. I still watch the show, I just have a really hard time when he comes on.

I think the reason I am so afraid of him is because, in my dream, he was the Angel of Death coming after me.

I think I have a big fear of death I never knew about. That would explain why I don't like these dreams. They're all connected by death.

I think I may have severe Necrophobia. I can handle the thought of me being dead, but not dying or rising from my dead body to look down and seeing a dead body. When my grandpa died, all I could think about was that I was in the same house as a dead body. I feel so ashamed by my thoughts that night. I am and Empath and Empaths have this sort of "curse" where they can copy others emotions and hold on to them. So, feeling ashamed about my thoughts, I copied everyones grief and added it to myself so I could cry. I know it sounds stupid. I still can't let go of their grief. I know someone in Utah who is an expert on this and helps me get rid of these emotions that aren't mine. I haven't seen him in 2 years. I also think, if or when I see him again, I still won't be able to let go of their grief. I just feel to guilty about my thoughts that dreary night.

I'm sorry this turned out so long and off topic. I find it easy to talk a lot when I'm typing instead of speaking. It's also a way for me to process emotions and thoughts.

Anyway, please comment. I get such joy and happiness whenever I get notifications on this website. Thank you for reading through this whole garbage pit.