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Don’t know what to do. Advice.

abbyflowerr6
abbyflowerr6

my husband and I have been together for 6 years. We’re planning a formal wedding ceremony for next winter, we got married at a court house 2 years ago. For the passed few months I’ve had no sex drive at all. Zero sex drive for anything. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting and I don’t want anyone touching me. I just started school in August and I’ve been trying to get my health insurance straightened out so I can get on birth control because I don’t want to get pregnant during school. So because I’m in school and not on birth control and feeling horrible about myself I haven’t wanted to get intimate with my husband at all. 


It really makes me feel like I’m failing as a wife and a woman. 


I am a rape victim survivor and I know that plays a part in how I’m feeling but I haven’t always felt like this since the assault. It’s really just since we moved in April. 


I feel really alone and really isolated. 


To make matters worse, I found lotion in my husbands media room and told him I don’t care if he does that but just put it away so I don’t have to see it but it really makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I’m ugly and I’m not doing my role as a wife or woman. It makes me feel fat and unwanted. I’ve told him twice and it happened again so I just don’t know what to do or how to convey that to him. 



I dont even really know why it upsets me 100%. I just know that when I see it I get really depressed and I feel unwanted. 



Ive deleted this at least 6 times because I feel weird writing this but it’s something I really need advice on, its been bothering me for a long time and I can’t keep stuffing it down and ignoring it. I really need to address this but I don’t know how.



I just feel really crappy about the whole situation but I don’t know how to convey that to my husband. It’s bad enough that I feel bad about myself on a daily basis but then this happens and I feel like my husband doesn’t even want me. The sad part is I don’t even want to be touched anyways and I don’t know why. 

Breezy28
Breezy28
Sorry you are feeling badly about yourself. Stress can have that affect on people sometimes. Try to be patient with your husband, if all that is happening with him is finding lotion then try to be a little easier on him. He isn’t trying to make you feel bad he just knows you need space right now but still needs to take care of himself, you know? You should be totally open with him about your feelings so he can understand your perspective and get a better grasp on how he can help you in your process. Please be kind to yourself and remember you are beautiful inside and out, and you deserve to be happy and feel good. Honestly this might be tmi but I’ll go there—you may want to look into how you can make yourself feel good first, like self pleasure...you’ll learn more about your body and yourself in the process... and your husband will probably like it too. I’m not trying to sound wicked superficial right now but it may be a healing thing for you based on what you have gone through and the goals yoy are trying to reach. Hope I’m not offending you babe, just talking from one girl to another :)
abbyflowerr6
abbyflowerr6
I understand why he’s doing it and I get that we haven’t been intimate together in awhile and that’s my fault but it just makes me feel like I’m failing and it makes me feel unwanted when I see it. It’s one of those things that I don’t care if I don’t see it but if I see it it makes me feel like shit.
It’s irritating because I’ve mentioned it to him before and he doesn’t get it and it hasn’t changed.
And it’s not offending, I do have stuff for myself but when I say I have zero sex drive I mean zero sex drive. I don’t hane any desire to even be touched, even by myself. That’s why I know something is wrong.
When it first started when we were moving I thought it might have been stress but then it continued and now it’s getting out of hand because we moved in April and we’ve only been intimate twice since.

I really can’t explain why I feel the way I do but I don’t want to be touched by anyone or anything.
Breezy28
Breezy28
Has this ever happened to you before? You don’t have to answer publicly but if it has happened in the past and you can reflect on it, it may give you clues as to why it happened this time. The more stress you feel and pressure you put on yourself could be adding to it also. Maybe a professional could be more helpful too. Try to talk more with your husband and don’t give up on communicating with him, or else it could turn into resentment towards him. As long as you two communicate, and love eachother then I’m sure you will pull through.
ivorymuse04
ivorymuse04
When I was going through a severe depression for almost two years my husband and I did no have sex for 6 months. I didn’t even care if he hugged me or well done that thing. I was that depressed but now I have the problem of feeling so unattractive and well angry because he does not pay me enough attention and he watches his TV 24/7 and I don’t barely even get hugs. Anyway he tells me though he loves me very much and he finds me highly attractive and wants to be seen with me in public but his words don’t match his actions so I feel angry a lot. I felt like just losing it last night on him but I knew if I did things would get out of hand. I am sorry you feel so unappealing and I am sure you are not. I was the victim of assault when I was 19 and I remember how I used to fix myself up and then when I was 24 I developed PTSD and I just quit caring. I fix myself up from time to time but I will tell you this it does make my husband sad that all that that happened to me took away the girl I used to be. Maybe you have ptsd I mean I don’t know that but maybe you could tell your doctor or a therapist how you feel. I can barely get my husband to have sex with me right now and when I was going through the depression he wanted to but did not pressure it but now he doesn’t want to have sex or do the other and well he is now battling health issues that are causing him to not want to which may explain why he doesn’t really hug or pay attention to me because really he does not feel good. I already too suffer from a low sex drive I mean sometime I cry really hard after sex and then it makes him feel bad and cry. Sex is hard after assault or any abuse has happened.
hopeful0907
hopeful0907
I am sorry you are feeling so down and alone. It sounds like you have a lot going on causing stress and as women, our sex drive is completely killed by stress. There are things you can do to help you feel better about yourself, I know eating right and exercise helps me feel better because it boosts my mood with helpful hormones. I agree that you may be going through a bout of depression, have you reached out to a therapist about these feelings and about the rape recovery? Many times our brains and bodies hold on to stuff and will express pain through our feelings and stress. If you haven't please reach out to a doctor, I think you would feel a lot better getting this off your chest. As far as your husband goes, have you talked about each of your needs and feelings? I know when I went through depression there were times I could not have sex, and we found other ways to be intimate. You may see yourself one way, but I promise your husband doesn't. Men think differently and he may be lonely too and want to be with you, perhaps some form of compromise can help (but get the support you need). I know things seem bad and feel like they will never get better, but they will! You are not alone, many of us have been or are right here with you. Reach out to both your spouse and a doctor and I believe you will start to see some light. Hugs
abbyflowerr6
abbyflowerr6
Thank you guys for all the advice.
I was diagnosed with ptsd, depression and anxiety shortly after the assault. I’m not on any medication for anything because when I was exiting the service, getting my health care situated. It was a difficult transition but I have it situated now and I need to call and schedule an appointment with a counselor soon. I really feel like I’m at my breaking point.
I’ve talked to him before about the way I’m feeling and I’m really tired of repeating myself. But I’m going to continue to talk to him because we’re married but the more I tell him and nothing changes the more I get upset and angry and don’t want to be touched.
Breezy28
Breezy28
I think it sounds like a good time to talk to a professional if you could do it. Sometimes the communication is bad at first because you are angry, but the more you keep talking about it with your husband, the more you guys can grow a deeper understanding of eachother. Then you won’t be dealing with anger and frusteration anymore, after all you guys obviously love each other. So just keep at it it’ll all be okay. :)
abbyflowerr6
abbyflowerr6
That’s what I told him this morning. I’m not giving up or quitting because we said vows in front of god and our family. But I’m going to schedule counseling today. I need to start talking to someone again.