It's been 2 weeks since my boyfriend passed away.

I was in a relationship with the most amazing person at the beginning of this year. He was everything I ever prayed for in a partner. He was amazing in every way. He was completely transparent from the start in telling me he battled severe anxiety/depression and had battled drug addiction in the past. But I knew that I still wanted to give love a chance. After all he made me the happiest I have ever been. We had the most amazing relationship... However not before long his mental health took a toll. He became very distant - phone calls, texts went unanswered, he wouldn't want to go out anymore. As much as this hurt me I knew I still wanted to be there for him. I was so in love with him and it hurt me he was going through this very difficult thing. Even when he didn't answer my calls I would still go to his apartment and bring him food. Just sit there with him and made sure he felt someone did care about him. Every day after work I would go see him. I would go to hell and back for him because I loved him with all of my heart and soul. Eventually he left out of the city to seek treatment and spend time with his family. It was hard not having him close to me and not being able to just go see him. But I knew it was best for him. After a month or so of being apart he sent me a text saying it was over. It was the hardest thing... Because I still loved him and wanted to be with him. But whatever he needed I would do... Even if it meant the end of our relationship. A few weeks after breaking up with me we reconnected. I was so happy. So excited that he sounded so much better, so happy he was in my life again. We talked every single day and still told each other we loved one another. But of course it all became very confusing... I was honest with him and told him how I felt in that I still loved him and wanted to be with him. He told me he still loved me but it wasn't the right time and was focused on recovering. This was so hard for me but I knew that first and foremost I needed to give myself some time and space to grieve the loss of this relationship... A few days after he moved back to town and I was heartbroken. Because I knew it would all be so different and I knew we couldn't pretend we were together when we weren't. I told him I still loved him but needed some time. He was understanding of this. Well some weeks passed by and he text me asking if I ever wanted to hang out. I was upset, not going to lie. Because I felt like he was downplaying my emotions. I told him all of these things would have to happen before we could get to that place. We left it at that. He said he didn't know how to make things right with me. Well a few weeks after that I found out he passed away... My world crumbled. I didn't get to say good-bye. I didn't get to hang out with him one last. I didn't get to take more pictures. Everyone keeps telling me I did what was right in that moment but I regret it. I regret not seeing him one last time. I regret it so much. Breaking up was never what I wanted. And I always hoped that we would end up together... But now that is gone. I will never get to say more to him. And I am so angry at myself. I just want to die and go with him. I feel so stupid and like such a horrible person for not taking that opportunity to see him again...