My counselor says that I don't think logically when it comes to my depression. I'm depressed and obsessed over my family's health. I think about it a lot and certain things help me to deal with their health issues. My counselor says that I have a bit of OCD type actions and expect magic and that I think I can change the past. For instance, with my husand's cancer I wonder if maybe I didn't serve him enough fruits and veggies or if I did, maybe I didn't wash them enough. It's important to me to understand how the cancer started and if there's something I might have done to contribute to it. Now that he has had it, I have to wash / scrub the veggies thoroughly and make sure he has fresh fruits all the time. I sneak in whole grains blah blah blah. I keep thinking that if there is something I can do to make a difference - to keep that one cancer cell from growing - I should do it. And then at night I pray and sometimes I worry that if I pray for my kids or another sick family member first, that maybe that family member might get better and my husband might not. Or if I skip saying a prayer for one of my sick family members or don't say equal prayers for them every night, one of them might get sick because it means that I don't care about them as much.

So okay, ritualistic behavior. OCD type actions. But it calms me down at night when I can't sleep. Small things that I dwell on that give me hope. I see how other people might see it as expecting "magic"...but I can't make sense out of so many of my family members being sick at the same time. I think maybe if I can understand how it happened or if I contributed to it, or maybe if they are being punished for something I did it would make a difference somehow.

But this is the thing...the alternative is to sit here and just say "oh well, I have no control". To me, that means there is nothing I can do, and to me that means there is no hope. And that spins me farther into depression. So for me, it's better to have my things I do like buying and washing the fruit and trying to understand if I did something in the past that made a person sick, and why I make sure to say equal prayers. It keeps me sane and it gives me hope. I need some sort of reason and something to believe in. I can't let go of my hope that I can do something to help.

Does anyone else feel this way, or am I way out there?