I have been depressed before.. When I was 19 years old, my high school sweetheart and I split up, when our baby was 2 months old. That was my first ever experience with depression. It was horrible. I fell into drugs and alcohol, and numbed myself for a good two years before I sobered up and realized things needed to change. I was a mother. I saw a doctor and went on anti-depressants and went to therapy. I was so sad and felt so inadequate. I remember talking to the therapist and telling her I felt unlovable and inadequate and I was worried I was going to be alone forever. I was over-weight, I barely showered or bothered to try to make myself look pretty in any way because I just didn't have the energy. She said to me "Well, look at you, honestly, who would want you?" I was shocked to say the least. She elaborated and made me understand that she was trying to get me to take a look at myself and change...etc...but the kind of person I am doesn't take lightly to statements like that. I decided therapy wasn't for me. I started going out to bars, because now I was 21. Wow did the men hit on me. I liked it. It was a confidence boost, and I started losing weight because I was going out and dancing every night, I started caring about what I looked like, etc....after a couple years of that, I realized I wanted a man to want me for more than just sex. I again went back on anti-depressants and stayed out of the bars. I can't seem to have just one or two drinks so I thought it best to just stay away form it all together. I started working full time and changing a lot of things in my life. At 23, a friend of mine called me up one evening and asked me to come out to the local bar and meet a guy, she wanted to set us up. After much prodding, I finally got up, got dressed, and went out to meet him. Long story short, it wound up turning into a four year off and on relationship. Again, a lot of drinking involved, (he was a frequent drinker) and a lot of really really bad fights. After ending that relationship, I fell back into depression pretty deep again. He is someone I still hold in my heart to this day, we just could not make it work. I met someone else at the age of 28. He turned out to be a very emotionally abusive man. To the extreme. Wouldn't you know it, I ended up marrying him and I got pregnant with my 2nd child at 29. I left this man, because I literally started getting thoughts in my head about killing him. He was absolutely horrible to me. I moved 150+ miles away from him, filed for divorce, and I still had to get a restraining order on him for the harassment. After I moved, I fell into depression again, and I met husband #2. I wasn't even divorced yet, and this man pursued me pretty strongly..and I fell head over heals in love with him. I don't know if I ever fell that hard for anyone in my life. I was 32 at this time. I moved in with him, and we got married. This one ends up having an affair first with my best friend of 25 years and then with another friend and ends up leaving me for her. Here I am again, at 37 years old, deep into my depression AGAIN. I am REALLY REALLY sick and tired of it. I keep falling into it, and it seems harder and harder to get out of it. This time I feel it is worse because I feel like I am just too old now, and used up, and who the hell is going to want me now. I have loads of debt due to my 2nd marriage, and constantly in and out of court with the 1st husband over custody battles because he is a narcissist and cannot leave me alone, and I just feel like giving up. I feel like I am going to be miserable and unhappy forever.