Hopefully you know bidding all farewell isn't the thing to do! I hope you are like me and just talking about it because you are in what I call my very black place. I too am alone. Have no kids, never been married and live 2 hours away from a very dysfunctional family. I am trying desperately to crawl out of this pain and just made a call this morning to go back to counseling. It is so hard to be down and out and alone. How old are your kids and why do you think you have ruined their lives?

I have made terrible decisions and some days, I can't mask the depression. My son is 14 and my mess is seeping into his life. I can't even muster the energy for Christmas. Nope, tree not up. I'm so tired.

Don't give up. As long as you've two hands, there's so much you can do.
I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I think you need to help yourself first so that you're strong enough to help your children. You need an understanding ear, a councilor or psychiatrist. After that there are support groups where you can meet face-to-face with similar people that help and support each other. My sister went to one and made a friend that she meets for coffee before each meeting. Once you're cared for and happier, you'll find it easier to connect with people. You are not alone; not alone in your troubles and not alone because of the people here that want you to be happy.
Once you've cared for and stronger, you'll be the one helping other people.

:( I am sorry you are having such a tough time. But, I understand. I am also a Mom....and at the age of 41, life hasn't been easy. Sometimes I wonder why I had kids because I am terrified that I am going to mess them up. I have wanted to end my life so many times.....mostly because I struggle emotionally. It has been difficult to understand how I am supposed to feel in certain situations because I grew up in an emotionally abusive home. I have been in and out of counseling for years but have recently found a therapist that specializes in adult children recovery of emotional abuse. I hope it helps....because the foundation of my childhood is practically nonexistent. Most days I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants -- trying to understand everything that goes on around me. I want to be there for my kids and smooth out any snarls in their life; I want to use my struggles as a learning tool for them to be stronger as adults; but, I grieve silently inside for what I didn't have that I get to see them have. It's been tough. Very tough.

All I can say is that as Moms we try to do the best we can. The good thing though is that at least we are aware....and that is better than most.

Others on this site have been there for me....and I am here for you. Lots of hugs.

Get involved in your medical treatment ....know the pros and cons of pain meds. Decide for yourself if it is worth it. praying for you.