Each time I closed my eyes I just could picture myself in a bath tub filled with warm water and just digging something sharp like a razor, knife, or scissors into my arm. I saw myself doing it home and then thought about getting a hotel room and doing it there.. I even thought about going live on instagram w it. I just ended up deactivating my account .. and putting my phone on airplane mode. 

I've been experiencing so much turmoil in the last 2 years. I've been let down on many occasions and more so from someone close to me or family members. I was involved in a DV case with my brother and saw how my parents/family overreacted towards me. My parents know that my brother and I has been fighting since I took my first breath on this shitty planets and it's always been my fault ever since. The night of the dv case I jumped in it to get my brother off my his girlfriend at the time as she was turning dark cherry red and to shield my Mom which she had a busted lip. That situation like everything else became my fault and I then became a fucked up daughter , nobodies daughter, no ones sister , etc. it's like I was disowned by these heathens I'm related to when I was just trying to do what's right. All I wanted was for someone to ask if I was okay after all those years of being beat on for nothing, I was mentally exhausted. My parents did nothing about this growing up. Sometimes I would get hit just for wanting to keep my belongings to myself. What a great "big" brother , that supposedly loved his little sister, right?? 

Deep down inside, I protect what I feel strongly about...

I don't want a family and don't want any kids. 

They make me feel like I don't fit or belong.. the one thing that made me feel like everything was okay just up and dissipated out of my life like it was thin air. I've been broken ever since. I also feel like I don't belong because of the way I see things. I'm eccentric and pick up on things that most would need a third eye for and I mean this in the literalist of terms! The energy and vibes that I get are too real and each time I can see it before it happens; always turn out to be right that it's unexplainable.

I know I suffer from depression and some days get hard from constantly chucking stuff up and hold my head up, unbothered; the shit hurts. I try to find lil things to validate me at times and to make me feel normal cos it's all I got left. Some days I wish it was theoretically possible to dissipate into thin air. 

My life is full of disappointments, let downs, and I'm sorries. I try to suppress it with a smile but it's seeping through.

I had made plans to meet up w a friend and it went south as I thought and knew it would. It triggered emotions, a lot of them. Since I'm a punk and can't bear pain the most I could do was take the scissors dig/scratch as deep as I could into my skin that it left a long welt. When I tried it in other areas it was too painful to continue but when I went back to that other area I initially was cutting in, it felt soooooo good there, in that spot that I became so engaged. I went on to draw a butterfly. I thought it was pretty then came the welts. It felt relieving! It was refreshing!

I've been crying since I came in from work this morning. I've been tossing and turning and only got like 5 hours of sleep; feeling pathetic for myself and like a piece of shit. 

I always had the passing thought of self harm and suicide but more so suicide; especially when I was in school. Lately it's been more passing thoughts of self harm and cutting. Today, I made my first attempt and that's how I ended up here.