I never wanted to admit to anyone that i was "depressed". The way I grew up that was a sign of weakness. If something horrible happen and you did not cry, you were "being strong". I always felt bad that i was depressed. That I was, doing something wrong
As a child I heard these things: "No use cryin over spilled milk" "If you want to cry, I'll GIVE you something to cry about. "Stop being so sensitve. "You have to grow tuff skin and stick it out" You don't have to cry over it, it's not that serious. Then there is the famous, "You cant let things get to you, crying never solved nothin, you aint weak, suck it up, stop being Weak.
So, i learned to "suck it up", "grow tuff skin," and "stop being weak"
Till one day I mastered it. I know longer cried............ever. My daddy died.........I didnt cry. My stepfather assaulted me as a young teen......I didnt cry. Someone died........I did'nt cry. Then, I began to drink becuz i could'nt talk about the images of the horror i had grown up in called, my life. I held it all in,just the way i was taught. Until my head began to hurt so bad i thought it would burst. My nightmares hunted me of rape, murder and mayhem. My heart raced like it would explode. As fast as i ate my food, it was disposed of as fast,either up and out or down and out.. My eyes grew hollow from lack of sleep, My healthy frame began to shrivel rapidly
giving me a sickly refugee look, and dark circle made there impression under my eyes for good. It was then that my family
told me that "maybe you should seek medical help" I told them that, "I didnt need help, I am not crying or isolating, plus I am a strong person. I decided I didnt need to eat, After all, why eat
when it's just going to come up or out anyway. I stop going to bed because I wasnt getting any sleep anyway.
Then one day, I need to lay down........just for a little while. I fell asleep. When i woke up i found i was still tired, so i slept another day. Days later I wanted to get up but, I was so exhasted that i couldnt. Then the next day I thought I had really better get up. I couldnt, I couldnt move.
To make a long story even longer. Two friends came over to the house. They took one look at me and both looked horrified, I told them that i couldnt get up. They rushed me to the ER. There I was asked if I had any history of depression. I replied, "No, I'm a pretty strong person. The medical test came back that I was on the border of being malnutriant. I was dehydrated, and had drop too much weight to quickly. I was having severely irregular heart beats. My family came to visit me. They looked me right in my face with concern and seriousness and said, "We spoke to the doctors. You are so weak that you will have to stay a few days tell they can get you better. "Why didnt you SAY something. Why did you let it get to this far. A tear rolled down my eyes and I simply said, "I was trying to be strong, I thought I could do it by myself. I was trying to be strong.