You are doing some positive things, including posting here, and I applaud you for that. Please don't give up now. They won't commit you at the hospital as long as you sign yourself in voluntarily. It sounds like that might be your best bet at this point. I have struggled with chemical dependency all my life so I know how tough that one can be. Just remember that what goes up must come down and using will only worsen your problems in the long run. Please don't entertain thoughts of hurting yourself. Your family needs you to live and will all their lives. I keep going for my wife's sake many days myself. It takes what it takes for us to make it. You made a good decision by joining ds. There are support groups here for chemical dependency issues as well that you may want to check out. I have found the SMART Recovery site be helpful with the addictions. Just google that. Please know that you are not alone and you can get help online for your issues. I am here for you if you need to vent. Please hang in there.

UPDATE: still feeling like crap, wanting to hurt self and use again. Hoping to get to a meeting tonight. Still have feeling of knowing its going to happen but just don't know when. I just wanna know does this ever end?

Please don't turn to using as that is only going to make you hate yourself and make the depression worse in the long run. When you say you feel like hurting yourself do you mean suicide? Do you have a plan? Please get the help you need, even if it means going to an er. I know people personally who have come out of depression with the right meds and therapy and life changes. These people give me hope for us both. Please don't act out on your urges and keep reaching out bravely as you have been.

hello
Im very sorry to know youre going through that tough time and thinking about giving up
I dont know what are the sources of all the depression thats damaging you so much but I suppose you know what they are and what theyre about
I think you should try to fight agaisnt them
its a war , yes , a war inside your head
but you must know youve got all need right there within yourself

Medications wont help you , they can only give you an image of you getting better which in reality is you not facing your problems , leting it for a future you dont wish to come
Nobody likes problems
but theyre part of life and they are opportunities for us to get conciousness , knowledge and strength

you shouldnt let go of your life cause its so precious
you know what you should let go , you should let go the blame
dont blame yourself for being in this condition
instead look inside , target the problems and start getting over them one by one , step by step . Every day you have opportunities to start building a new life , you wont build this new life over night or without facing any difficulties , first theres the tough time , facing the problems , finding strength , patience and positiviness
but then youll see all the scars you got from that war became scars of victory . you can build a new life but not without efforts and not without believing you can

I hope you can find your way through all that
dont give up life , for your daughters but mostly for yourself
you have such value , maybe all the problems that you been facing and all the hurting have that value fade away a little
but its there and you can make it shine back

take care , hope you think about what I said