On October 3, 2016 my grandma passed away. She had cancer that had spread very quickly. She lived far from me but had been here to visit that summer and didnt know she was sick. When I found out she had cancer I flew out to help. It had only been 2 months since she had been here and she had lost so much weight. She was the matriarch of our family, and my best friend. She moved away from were I live when I was 16, but when I was growing up I spent a lot of time at her house. My mom wasnt the best, or the easiest to be around so I spent as much time with my grandma and my aunt as possible. When my grandma moved, It became a ritual to talk to her on the phone for at least an hour once a week, every week from the time I was 16 until she got sick (I am now 37). So for 17 years I talked to her every week. When she first passed, I couldn't even get out of bed. I did because I had to, I have 2 girls so I got up and did the bare minimum of what I had to do but as soon as I got home I went to bed and cried. I couldnt sleep, I overate, I was a mess. I was angry, I got angry with my husband for little to no reason. After a a little over a month of this I went to my doctor. I was already on meds for depression so he added another one and I started to feel better. I started to feel like I could breathe again. I thought that was the answer. But the meds only helped that little bit, I thought I would continue to feel better but I dont. I am not in the space where I cant get out of bed, but when I think about not being able to talk to her my chest hurts and I can't breathe. I still cry a lot. It hurts to think about so much. Its been so bad that it has me so depressed that I have gained weight, I don't exercise. I binge and purge. It has brought out all of my addictions. I had started drinking again but I was able to stop that again so there is that. Sorry this is so long but it feels really good just to get it out.