Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Good day to everyone.
Well, this is my first post here and I'm not sure where to begin. For context: I suffer from major depression and general anxiety; my parents divorced when I was about 6, though the process took a good few years. My mother won custody of me and my sister and we moved to a different province. That was when I was about 11, and it was a time that involved physical and emotional abuse from my mother, isolation, bullying at school, and dealing with the psychosomatic consequences. I moved back to my home-town when I was 13 to start high-school, living with my father. In this year he molested me, along with insidious emotional abuse and manipulation (at this point he had already done incredible damage to my mother's name, financial, and emotional situation). Upon coming to university in the province I moved to way back when I was 11, I sought out psychological help at our campus' free services due to a dramatic increase in symptoms of what would be diagnosed as depression and anxiety.
The problem I am here to discuss has been bugging me since I was 10 or 11; because of my history and mental health (I'd assume) I'm struggling with "father-hunger", in that the one thing that I want more than life is a father-figure in my life. It wasn't a big problem until I came to university. In the week before classes began in my 1st year (I was 18/19) I went to a café where I met the owner and his wife. In the course of the next few weeks and months we started building some kind of friendship. At one point the owner (I'll call him Mike) gave me his phone-number and told me to call him whenever I needed to talk to someone. This led me to occasionally call on him and he would take time after work to sit with me and just talk, give me advise, and comfort me. His wife, too, was very supportive and acted in a motherly way. The thing is that there was no social interaction outside of this context - Mike used to make promises that we'd go hiking or have a beer or what have you, but it never happened (I must point out that I do not blame him for not "paying more attention to me" as he and his wife had their own lives and priorities and I shouldn't have expected more from the kindness they already showed me; but I am very angry at him for being "socially irresponsible" by making those promises that were always empty). I wasn't on medication at this point and I became increasingly anxious, depressed, and paranoid. I started seeing a psychiatrist at this time and at some point I was checked into a mental ward close by here. Skipping ahead: it must have become a bit too much for Mike and his wife; there were two big fights and so on and so forth. Well, I can't blame them; what would you do if some random kid stomps on your hospitality and essentially sees you as his dad?
At this point we are amicable in a way, though they are doing a good job of avoiding me (I'm not pushing on them, mind you). But it's becoming more and more difficult to deal with. On top of that I am so afraid of attachments lest something like this happens again, but I still find myself transferring the "father-figure" archetype onto other people, like my fencing coach. It's not good!
Now I must say that I hate myself for complaining about these things. I shame myself on a daily basis for it, reminding myself that I'm not digging in a trashcan for my next meal, or hunkering in a basement hoping a bomb doesn't drop on my head. I realize that I "shouldn't compare my problems" and that "pain is relative", but I can't help it but feel like an a-hole. I hate myself for having things and having so much to be grateful for and still find the time to complain about these things. I feel like the emotional/situational stuff wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the mental health - so therefore I shouldn't whine about the emotional/situational stuff and just focus on the mental health. In that there is little else I can do other than taking my meds and be happy it's not worse. Plus, I'm turning 22 in a few months, I finished my undergraduate degree a few weeks ago, and I've got a career ahead of me: I'm growing up and I shouldn't be worrying about father-figures, right?
But I can't. The depression is getting worse and all I am left with is the father-hunger and memories of Mike and his wife. Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are prevalent, and I don't have the funds for therapy or seeing a psychiatrist (my father's medical aid used to pay for those, but it doesn't feel right asking for financial assistance anymore). I'm desperate and I don't know what to do anymore.
I realize this is a bit jumbled, but there is a lot to say. I would appreciate any support.
I've learned many things here, and one is that we need to gauge how much support we can get from others in our life. People with very good intentions can promise more than they can (or should) deliver. To protect ourselves from this, it is a good idea to figure out what a reasonable limit is before getting into a relationship. We can always re-evaluate those limits as time passes.
I really wish there was a "parents for rent" place where people who really need a father or mother figure in their life could go and get that comfort.
Gentle hugs
So have some kindness towards yourself and don't be cruel to yourself. Comfort yourself. Cry for your losses, it's okay to have pity for yourself when you have suffered, so long as you let yourself grieve for you and give yourself comfort.
Tell yourself it's going to be okay. Tell yourself you've been through some really tough stuff, and you've got out alive - and now there's a huge mess to clean up.
I remember being incredibly lonely in a new city, and hanging around someone who was married but whose face I knew and I felt I could talk to him... I was shooed away and realised how I had embarrassed myself, so was deeply humiliated and became very hunkered down inside myself. What could have helped was friends but I was grieving too badly from homesickness I think to be able to have friends. I've moved a few times since then, and now I finally understand how hard you have to work to keep yourself going and not deteriorate inside yourself.
Perhaps you can join social groups, do things, get out. I know there's a weird dichotomy between the gaping hole you feel inside yourself and this smiling person who is on the bus to go see whatever sight with the social group, but after a couple of hours you forget the gaping hole. And time can help heal it.
I want to say that Mike led you along. He didn't intend to, but some people do this. Because their first invitation is an act of charity (for their church often) rather than genuine friendship, the person receiving their invitation gets the wrong end of the stick.
Well, you get to nominate the damn stick. Sod these people who pretend friendship but who are only offering 'heroic saving of fragile flower'. Sod them. They set you up, for their own reasons. They're being duplicitous. They have no idea and they're often not half as bright as they think they are. And you're not half as weak as they think you are.
You're broken right now. But you yourself are extremely strong. Outrageously strong to have gone through that upbringing and managed to hang on in there all the way through your bachelor's degree. I'm a tiny bit gobsmacked. I never completed my degree. I crashed and burned.
Yes, it's understandable for this couple you looked so much up to, to feel the need to back off a little since they have lives of their own and may or may not have had it in them to take on full responsibility for someone else's child. But please don't beat yourself up about that. There's simply an innate longing in every human's heart to connect with a father-figure, whether it be their own or someone else.
You mentioned that there is little less you can do other than take your meds and be happy it's not worst. I have some AMAZING news for you, Johann. There IS something you can do that maybe you haven't even thought of…
I lost my father at the ripe age of 19 and I thought there was no way that this could be happening to me…I mean, I had a great relationship with my dad so, i assumed that he'd be a part of my life forever. But when he died it was then that i realized that i'd never get to see my father's face when he walked me down the aisle. I'd never get to hug his big belly or sneak and eat chocolate snickers in the car together behind my mother's back…I thought that life would be empty and lonely and I would amount to nothing without a father-figure in my life. Do you want to know what got me through those tough times, Johann. The truth? Jesus got me through it. The deep-seated need i had for love and protection after my father's passing was what really drew my heart to God.
When I stopped looking to other men to for acceptance, affirmation, encouragement or significance and I decided to trust God with my life, I asked him to fill the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. And guess what, Johann? He did. Now, I know God as my Father and you can know Him as your father too! He can take your depression, your anxiety, your hurts (big or small) and walk with you through it all.
Johann, have you ever felt the cool breeze on your face and the warm sunshine kiss your skin? That's how it feels when you let God take your worries, fears and pain. In exchange, he'll give you so much peace you won't even be able to stop yourself from smiling.
Johann, there's no greater Father/Papa than the One that created you. He cares for you more than any earthly father EVER could. Don't settle for second best. God is the best and I guarantee that if you pursue Him with reckless abandon, He'll give you an exciting and rewarding journey. You'll know that He's smiling on you.
Ask Jesus to come into your heart. Tell Him that you believe that Jesus is the Lord, and ask Him to show you what a REAL Father looks like. If you're ready to make this commitment, He is more than willing to welcome you into HIS family, and heal your hurts and the wounds of your past.
I love you, but most of all God loves you, Johann.
You won't regret your commitment, I promise you.
Hugs!