HI Winter, I understand how you are feeling, having experienced similar situations. It seems at time that I was born to bear the burden of the world, and that the whole universe is against me by casting its misfortunes at my feet. Grief takes a long time to lessen its impact, though it will be life-long.

I have borne hope that whilst there is no lasting fortunes, there is also no unending calamity, so you and I have good things to look for in the horizon.

Getting distracted is one method of preventing depression. Working, social participation, holidays, study, volunteering..... anything that is structured and routine that prevents you from ruminating. Overthinking is not good, but ignoring your pain is not the way to heal. Confront your fears/pain, accept it, and move on. This process may take a little bit of time, but it may be successful.

Perhaps our friends can join in with more suggestions.

Thanks. Sometimes I feel things is my fault. Does lack of sleep play on the brain? and accessive worrying? I agree with what you said Andromedia, I feel that I was placed on this earth to bear everyone's burden, be talked to by others in a disrespectful way, whenever someone else close to me do something, I feel that get blamed along with them. I just do not know how to get out of this terrible situation. The situation I am speaking about is seeing someone in my family not take very good care of themselves, I try with all my mite and still I feel it is not enough.

I wonder to myself why?

I think that sleep deprivation and anxiety play major roles in your current state of depression. If someone talk to you in a disrespectful way, and their retort intends to humiliate but does not threaten your position, then perhaps you can ignore that person because what the other wants is just to provoke you so that you lose control and do crazy things.

If there is someone in your family that needs help and you have no capacity to provide this care, then can you contact Social Security/social worker to see if the government can send you a carer to help you to care for your loved ones? It is easier for a family member to blame another person for neglect, when they themselves do not want to assume the responsibilities of a carer. Perhaps you can ask that person if they want to take over the care of your loved ones, but I suspect the answer would be no.

The one who lacks confidence and convictions always blame others for their failings.

Where I live, I do not have any other family nearby. Other family members live in other states; one of them is moving from the state they currently lived at and is moving to another state because their spouse have family there and want them to move there with them so they could find that person a job.

As with the family who is living in the home with me, they are sad, have Post Traumatic stress and suffer with anxiety so bad. Their emotions had really brought them down. The amazing thing is when they go out and put their on something else, they do not have any physical pain anywhere on their body, no headaches or stomach problems. This person is always in fear after fear. The doctor had told them about a diverticulum; they are afraid that they would die from it. Often they talk about death then they would say that they do not want to die; in fact they would even pray to God they would not die.

I personally do not like doctors and I certainly do not like when someone say to me that God had put them here for a reason. What reason is that? to make another person's life a living hell? just what had happened to me? Another reason I dislike doctors is because it seem like the experience I've had and the other family member had with doctors, it was enough to confuse anyone. What I mean is one minute they say one thing then come back saying something else. If the person does not take them seriously, they get upset and deem that person as an impossible person to deal with.

I am so angry inside and hurt.

HI Winter, diagnosis is just speculation. If your family member feels one doctor has not made the right diagnosis then go and see other physicians for second/third opinions. It cannot be right if someone feels unwell and the doctors have not ordered the right tests to make the correct diagnosis.

I understand your family member's predicament, having been a patient who was quite ill, but my doctors had not ordered the right tests at the time to diagnose the right condition. I had to consult so many physicians before the right diagnosis was given so that I could receive treatment. I recall that it was a frustrating journey to find the right doctors. At the end, I just checked myself into a hospital clinic that my family doctor thought could help me, and they took 30 vials of blood to make a diagnosis. I remember feeling vindicated that I was not making up symptoms to attract attention, as I was being accused of by strangers and family.

If there is a diverticulum disease, untreated diverticulitis can be fatal so I can understand the fears. Fears cause anxiety and lead to mental trauma. Perhaps your family member needs to see an gastroenterologist to get an endoscopy so to see what is going on. Even if there is a perforation, there may be options such as antibiotics (if the hole is small) or surgery (if the perforation is large).

It is frustrating to be a carer, but you have a good heart to care for your family member in their difficult times.

I am relieved to hear that someone else had went through the same ordeal as we did. I tried to tell the family member that but they were too fearful to hear what I was saying in fact they thought I was being biased because I am related to them.

Another reason I dislike doctors is because I feel that they had caused a lot of heartache and pain into the person. Now it is hard to enjoy life especially the holidays. Also I am upset because there is another family member who is decided to look up family history using Ancestry dot.com. They feel that people can get over Post Traumatic Stress will easy if they wanted to. They also feel that people with this disease is using PSTD as a crutch because they do not want to go through life standing on their own two feet. I totally disagree with this person 100% because I feel that if a person wants to talk about their past (their abusive childhood) they can keep quiet even if it is a parent. I do understand that some people wants to know about their family, where they came from, and so forth but ask questions in a respectful way.

It's just that so much mayhem is happening and it has me so down that I can not see straight. In 2020, I had lost my dad. I had called him that year to wish him a happy Easter. When I called him he did not answer the phone, from what my cousin had told me, my dad was probably on his way to get the phone, then he fainted on the floor near the table that holds the phone. I thought he was out of town or at one of his relatives home (like always). According to my cousin who told me about my dad getting sick by phone table, my dad stayed in the hospital for 1 whole week, then he went home to stay with another cousin. That cousin had said that they did not like the way my dad looked because he was beginning to look sick so they took him back to the hospital, they kept him there another week. While he was in there the doctor had said that there was nothing else they could do to help him because the cancer he had had spread all over his body. It was a living hell to have him like that. I could not talk with him on the phone like before because he was too ill and weak. My point to all of this, is seeing my mom sick. I'm not saying she has cancer like my dad but the stress had caused her to lose so much weight that it is sad but when my mom eat, she gains weight. There are times she could eat without any problems, I mean she can hold her food down, it is a lot of emotions that is taking a toll on her.

I am beside myself. Can I ask you a question? What would you think if a doctor who cared for your mother when she was in the hospital, then when your mother was admitted back into the hospital a week later, that same doctor walked into the room and told your mom that she does have cancer. The doctor who cared for my mother had sent a note home with my mother, to give to me saying that she does not have cancer. When my mother was admitted into the hospital a week later, the female doctor told my mother that she had spoke with my mother's primary doctor the night before, for at an hour. He told the doctor from the hospital that my mom does have cancer. She told my mother the primary doctor had said that if my mother's nutrophil stayed at a 3 and up, she was safe.

Before my mother had changed doctors, the first primary doctor was a dog. She told my mother that her test came back inconclusive, when my mother asked what test was it, she did not answer her. After the appointment, my mother had went to Urgent Care, my mother asked the doctor when she was looking at the computer, does it look like she has cancer, the doctor said "No". This is why I am the way I am, because one time a doctor had said that my mom has cancer then when she saw another doctor, they would say no you don't have it. It made my mother more upset because she was prescribed Mextrate and Predesone. The salty thing about that is that my mother was told the bad side effects of the medicines and that they would not take it themselves. I spoke with my dad about it when he was alive, he said that he heard of Predisone. He told me that there was a medicine he had taken that was closing up his throat, he called one of my cousins and told them about it. He said that he told my cousin that would wait until in the morning to take him to the hospital, they said no they were not going to wait until the morning time, they came that same night. When they got my dad to the hospital, the doctor told them that he was pleased that they brought my dad in because he would had been dead by in the morning. I talked with someone else about Predisone, they said that medicine will swell up your face. My mother's primary doctor had said that one of the side effects is that it would effect her thyroid and told her other side effects but they got on my mother's back for not taken it.

My mother had went through a lot of mental pain since this ordeal with doctors. Before all this began, I had a dream and now I fault myself about everything. In the dream, my mother was crying real hard and said disturbing things in the dream. The next morning, I was so depressed I did not know what to do. My dad had initated a divorce from my mom (I did not know my parents were still married).

At the time my mother wanted to move back to the west coast or back east just to get away this stress, but there was a problem we are not rich people, and we probably would go through stress that is just as bad. At these places there is family who lives there and they would had made my mother's life more stressful.

Right now I feel guilty about everything, have you ever had days like that?

Does your Mom has a blood cancer, or cancer in the organs? You've mentioned that your Mom has neutropenia and cancer. Can you go and see the oncologist/haematologist in a hospital to verify the cancer? Does your Mom intend to get chemotherapy/radiotherapy for the cancer? Can your Mom access free healthcare, or rely on another's insurance?

Methotrexate causes neutrophil levels to fall, whilst prednisone causes neutrophil level to rise.

I think that you are suffering from grief, from the death of your Dad, and that you are feeling guilt because you believe that perhaps there were things that you could have done for your Dad to increase his survival. I also believe that you are suffering from ongoing grief due to witnessing your mother's decline. Have you heard of the Kubler Ross stages of grief. Guilt is a part of denial, that you wish you could have done more for the deceased; and depression makes you feel helpless and overwhelmed. Once you accept your fears, your feelings, then you can move on from the trough that is depression.

https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

You can talk to a grief support group, or grief counsellors to help you to deal with your feelings. Support groups are available online such as this. I believe there are Cancer support group online as well that you can discuss your fears/depression/feelings. Another option is to chat with a Carer's hotline, which is also available online (or by phone) that you can discuss about the difficulties caring for a cancer and PTSD sufferer, and see what kind of assistance or advice they can provide.

Thank you for giving me information that could help, no one has ever told me the things you told me about my grief and fears. You are right about the fact I am sad that my dad is gone and I am sad that my mother is going through the things she is going through right now because I remembered how she used to be before the year this health crisis began. My parents would get on the phone and talk and laugh. They were not living together, my dad lived in another state while my mother lived here in this state but they managed to get on the phone and talk like old friends. I remember when dad and I would be talking, my mom would get on the phone and ask me could she and dad talk privately. I would say yes and continue to play my game on the computer, I just began playing it and I used to drink Coco Cola to stay awake but I still went off to sleep; in fact I would lay my head on the computer and sleep until it was time to get up. Far as my mother is concerned, she had been in depression from the time they told her. What makes it bad about all of this, my mother had been told that she has cancer then she was told that she does not have it. Which one is it. They gave her some type of shot that helped raise her nutrophils. When they rose, they did not fall again, to me that is not cancer, someone who is a professional in the medical field had told me that when cancer compromised, there is no way it would go back to normal. Another doctor had told my mom that her immune system is still working and that she doesn't need another opinion from another doctor. This was the day she told that doctor that she was thinking about going somewhere else to get another opinion. That doctor said "you don't need one because what have is not really cancer, it is more like an autoimmune. Mother was always a type of person who laughed and joke with others. Right now she is a total different person.

Autoimmune bloodwork during flaring is quite similar to the blood works of cancer, so it can be confusing. The best doctor to give a definitive diagnosis is a hematologist/oncologist. They can exclude cancer, and refer your Mom to an immunologist if autoimmune disease is suspected. Don't worry too much or be too anxious because it seems your Mom is still in the early stages of diagnosis, so it looks like she would need to consult more physicians for their opinions before arriving at a final diagnosis.

Andromeda, I like the fact that you had gave me information I needed to hear but I am still pissed off. No matter what, I think about the year 2011, when was told what she was told by doctors. The Lord would have to deal with me and my feelings but the anger in me is strong. Its like I keep drinking water non stop and eventually I am going to get sick or die from it. My mother had been told back in 2011 by two doctors that she had cancer, she asked them where was it, they said they did not know but they wanted to start her on those medications I had mentioned to you. After all the hell she had went through with being told that she has cancer, she was going to die, she could not have any pets (we used to have a parrot, two finches, and two doves; and we had two cats. My mother was told by her primary doctor that she needed to get rid of those pets and only keep one. She was told that she could not have vegetables or fruits because it could set up a toxic in her body. She could not do gardening anymore because the dirt would set up an infection in her body. She had a cancer doctor, who had on my mother's chart that she was a male not a female, mispelled her name. She was told that her white blood cells would not be great, they would decrease instead. Another doctor had stuck her finger in my mother's butt and saw that she was not bleeding inside. During that time, she was told to have her teeth pulled but the dentist was not allowed because he had to look at her red blood cells which was normal the whole time, the nurse from her insurance had canceled the first appointment because she was afraid of that my mother's red blood cells were low, not true they were normal numbers, Andromeda. The point I am pointing out is the fact that they told my mother all of this mess but then they told her a few years later that she does not have cancer. There wasn't even any indication of it because no one had mentioned it ever again. The whole time my mother was going through such hell, her white blood cells were normal the whole time.

Why is it this depressing me? because of the fact that when ever my mother had been told by the people in the ER that she had been there too many times. Each time she went up there, they would tell her that her the amount of times she had been there. My mother had changed primary doctors many times. I believe that when my mother's abuse from her childhood was brought up, it helped triggered off emotions that should had been put to sleep. The family member who brought it up has no remorse of it at all. They want to prove of when my mother's parents died and prove of other things. After she got off the phone speaking with them, she would be upset and irritable. My mother has two kids-me and my brother who lives with her. The way my mother is irritable, she makes us think that she is mad at us too, believe me. She will remind us of our fault such as not talking to her (when we do she snaps at us); she wants to begin throwing stuff away (until I went outside and looked at the can and discovered that it is too full); or she'll say things like she wants to die next minute she'll say that she don't want to die. The point to all of this is that the medical mess and her reminders of her abusive childhood had really taking a toll on her. There is other things that is going on that is making me depressed. This is just the third of what is bothering me.

It seems like no one understands me, I'm put aside as if to say that I am nothing but a kid who can't deal with live. I'm not talking about you Andromeda or even anybody on Daily Strength because I do not come on here and leave posts, I've did before after my dad died, I'm speaking about other people who I used to talk with before.

Chemotherapy agents can cause mental side effects i.e chemo brain (depression, anxiety, stress, insomnia, brain fog, frustration, anger. The prednisone can cause mental confusion. It would not be surprising if your Mom is angry, irritable and behaving oddly. If I were you, I would take my Mom elsewhere than the centre/hospital that misdiagnosed your mother. Is there another hospital you can consult? It sounds like your Mom needs an independent medical review by different physicians from a different hospital/ medical centre.

For most patients, their chemo brain improves within 9-12 months after withdrawing the chemo agent, but about 10-20% of patients have long term side-effects.

I think the most important thing now if for your Mom to see her family doctor to obtain a referral to see the immunologist so to investigate further into this autoimmune diagnosis. Once treatment starts, your Mom may feel better.

For some people, exposure to chemotherapy agent triggers/causes autoimmune disease. Perhaps your Mom can discuss this with the immunologist at consultation.

I think perhaps in your situation, you can try to resolve your problems one thing at a time. The priority here is your Mom and her treatment. Once your Mom receives treatment and her health improves, a big load is taken off your mind, and then you can deal with your personal issues.

Hey,

I'm so sorry you've been in this mindset. I can really imagine how you feel because I've been there, I've been in this "hell" hole. The one thing that helped me out of it was the crying, the screaming, and any emotion you feel like letting out, letting it out. One thing with feeling depressed I have found is that its a heavy heart feeling that all you wanna do is pick it out from your chest and set it on the counter. The one problem with that is that its not realistic, feeling every emotion you have is part of the process. You becoming aware that you are a human being and are blessed to have these feelings should be apart of the healing process. Try something new everyday, become busier then you usually are, even if your tired. I promise everything will get better, all you gotta do is keep putting in the effort for yourself and no one else. Be seflish!

Thank you lizemen, I am doing what you are suggesting. If I keep myself busy regardless of how tired I am, I would reward myself by playing a game on the computer or doing something fun. Yes, you are correct when you described how depression makes you feel. I wish I were not in this situation and it sounds like you are not currently in it. What a misery it is. When I see someone else going through it, it still hurts because you want to take their pain away from them especially if it is a parent, sibling, a friend, or whoever it is.

Winter, I completely understand where you're coming from. I have struggled with the same feelings of restlessness and loneliness. I am constantly getting into my own head. It's always just important to keep in mind that you are responsible for your own emotions and thoughts. I know it is hard to control it, but we have to try to keep a positive mind. There is so much more in our lives that will be happening after this moment. This is just one part of the rest of our lives. All the hardships, all the successes, and everything in between. To the saying you mentioned "when it rains, it pours," I have not felt something so deeply. I used to think this all the time. And sometimes it still pops into my head, but I try to think differently the second I feel that thought coming in. Instead, we could think "when there's rain, there's flowers." With all the struggles we go through, there will be good things coming up along the way.