The challenge of crawling out of darkness.. this is my personal experience of something very real and true being experienced in this moment.  

I sit with this sound of wind and or fire that slowly goes from the outer edges of my energetic being and eventually into and around my entire being. This appears each night. I watch it appear, feel it appear and know its coming. Its been happening now for 7 months or more.

During the day I am fine, im happy, content and doing well. I roll through the day, noticing Aliveness as I move about this small beach town and play music gigs for senior. I sit with coffee each morning, read poetry, do some writing and play records. All is good. 

At night is when the dark energy overtakes me. I go from eating dinner to laying on the floor or a spare bedroom for hours in such a darkness of feeling worthless. 

I have tried doing different things each night to ward off the darkness. I will go to the store, or sit and play music, or sit with a friend. Its still appears and is felt within the conversation, or activity. Its like a grey film that just overtakes the screen. I watch it and sense it fully. 

Sometimes the darkness throws me into a full moments of laying on the floor crying. I will even find myself sleeping on a hardwood floor in the living room because I feel like I dont deserve a bed. Sometimes it even gets worse with visions of hurting myself. But I have never taken it or seen it go that far, it just seems to appear swirl around and is gone by 3 am. 

My girlfriend has told me to go sit with this energy and listen to it. So I have several times. The other day I felt as if i was standing next to a door, on the other side was a blazing field on fire. If I opened the door, the whooooshh... and sound of fire would cover the room and me. 

I then was guided, by something, someone to just stop the one blade of grass burning next to me with an eye dropper of water. So I dropped the water upon the grass and suddenly the entire field stopped burning. It was like as if the drop of water painted itself out into the whole scene. 

Noticing the screen in the movie

Conclusion

The darkness is not gone, its not fixed, its not healed. It never may be. It is there a visitor upon this open being of Aliveness and as Aliveness also. I now no longer run, fight or prepare to abolish this just to feel more alive. This darkness is Aliveness too.. I have become to know its energy. 

Last night I simply got in my car, and took a drive to the river. The boats sat there in silence and darkness too... along with me in my car. The moon offered a light glow, someone nearby at the small bar by the river was smoking a joint. The scent filled the air just lightly. 

Just lightly, this friend visited with less fury this time. Perhaps because acceptance of the vastness of energy, or soul and grounding, of power. I plan not to do anything with this, not to fix it, nor shred it, and not to let it turn Aliveness into a ME on the floor ever again. Instead...  a visitor worthy of attention, perhaps the mushroom of the forest growing in the humidity healing and offering something beyond thoughts of me. 

Crawling into darkness a teacher for now... one day seen as 

I return now to my coffee and clasical record of winter choral songs... wondering what my friend darkness is up to now.