I'm a live-in caregiver for a disabled senior w/a dysfunctional family. I have no family, survivor of 4 decades of abuse by my mother & sister. I work long hours, for no pay or rewards. I do pain management, physical therapy, and inversion therapy in my time that i am not working for him. I also have over 20 health problems. I've worked incredibly hard over the past 2 years to improve this senior's quality of life - total right knee replacement surgery, helping his depression (he was suicidal b/c of pain), better pain management overall, cataract surgery, moving him into his new home, helping him get away from his verbally abusive ex-wife, helping him get a better therapist of his choice, running all his errands, cleaning, cooking, managing his finances, computer maintenance, maintenance & fixing on his home, helping him manage his schedule, & more.

I put so much of my life, my health, my time, my friends on hold to help him get away from his abuser. He has a grown son near my age who seemed supportive, seemed interested in his life & how i was helping him. but it has just been "say hi to (fill in my name)". neither one of them over the past 2+ years has talked much about me at all. i've given this man so much friendship, included him in what he wanted to be included in, taken total interest in his life since he had no family support in this city. and what i get mostly from the both of them is just to be invisible most of the time. at first i thought it was "normal guy behavior, doing and talking guy things". but now it's the holidays. i spent days researching just the right gifts for his family members, did the work, only to get a half assed email from the senior thanking me for all that i do. he knows i only have abusive family. we connected over our mutually abusive family. and now that's it the holidays and his physical quality of life is better, he and his son seem to be acting really sexist and not even thanking me, not even questioning what i'm going to be doing over the holidays. not even caring if i'm safe this holiday from my stalker (when i've worked so hard to make sure the senior is now safe from his ex-wife).

i've realized over the past 2 years how much he lies. how much he (not exagerates) lies. flat out lies, in every converstation. he has to include little lies. for no reason sometimes.

i guess i'm just realizing how sexist these 2 are. i spent so much time trying to improve the quality of life for this senior, that i'm alone, lonely, depressed, lost contact with friends, my health and pain levels are shit...

in making this friend with this senior i just wanted a friend, period. i never wanted to be a caregiver. i never wanted all the financial stress. he has dumped everything on me, and i was only trying to be a friend who also had ptsd. he refuses to manage even his own finances, even though he did before he knew me. i was abused for 4 decades and had no friends, period. i just wanted a stupid friend to commiserate my ptsd with. and now i'm stuck in a life i hate again. hating myself. thinking about suicide.

but if i walk away from this senior who has used me, throws tantrums weekly, i look like a horrible person. my reputation is toast. b/c he's a veteran. but he's a veteran with a rage disorder who will make my life a living hell. and who is an addict, who may have given up alcohol, but is still addicted to drama, fighting, and is in fact a former stalker. so my life is hell once again.

i just want out. i had so much hope getting away from my abusers, and all that hope is gone. i just want to die. but i can't. so i just keep avoiding him and his sexist son, who both take their ptsd out on anyone that they can. avoiding him and lying to protect myself is all i can do.

how did my life become this hell again? and he keeps reminding me that i'm not being raped anymore, that i'm not being beaten. isn't it so much better that you're not being raped and beaten anymore? aren't you grateful for just that? he keeps asking me every month how grateful i am.

i can now understand why his ex-wife couldn't take it anymore & verbally took her stress out on him. she put a roof over his head & raised his kids while he drank his ptsd away. ptsd that was barely caused by war. he didn't even hold a gun or weapon of any kind. his ptsd is from his narcissistically abusive parents. some man. a boy who won't take any responsiblity for anything. and uses his Veteran status to get anything and everything he can. total disgrace, imho. my father, a marine, worked so damn hard at 2 jobs his entire adult life. learned what he needed to about computer technology in the 1980's to improve our station in life and get promoted to the engineering division.

i just miss my dad so much sometimes. he died in 2016 of Alzheimer's. he taught me my good work ethic, taught me to respect continuing education. i miss my friends who helped me heal from my abuse. i miss my old life. i miss my friend Steve who died of pnemonia in 2017. i've helped taken care of so many good men in my life. and this boy man is not it. i can't believe this is the last man that i will have the health to caregive for in my life, and i'm throwing my last quality of life away on narcissists who have so much anger and negativity for so many people?

every day i hope that i don't wake up. every day i hope that my heart gives out. maybe one of these days i'll get lucky.

i don't see the holidays. i don't see any joy anymore. i just want out. i was so happy in 2016 and early 2017. i just want out, even if i have to die.