sounds like you just described my mother. she hardly ever has anything nice to say to me, picks on my kids and is just downright rude. For the most part I practice avoidance. Since she is my mother I can't avoid totally but I do limit my time with her.

I'm sorry to hear that, my mother is pretty negative at times too, but it's not a constant thing and I still live with her so I really just try to get along with her the best I can.

I have learned a very good lesson in another group here. Here it is in a nutshell:

Establish limits and consequences for people in your life. Express them as simply as possible to offensive people, and then be consistent with them.

For example, if your mother or father complains about "X" about you, let them know that "X" is out of bounds and that it is not to be discussed, especially in a rude, nasty or condescending way. Let them know that if they bring it up you will ignore it, change the conversation, or abandon the situation.

Then do it! As often as they bring it up, drop the hammer.

The final resort is to leave. So if you are with your parent and going to the doctor's office, or shopping, or what ever, and they bring it up. go through the escalation. Ignore, defer, leave.

So if it means turning around and skipping the doctor's appointment, so be it!

Sorry to get so long winded.

Obviously this is more doable with a family member who relies on you for services. With co-workers you don't really have much leverage.


The other thing I do for people who don't depend on me for much is to devalue their worth to me. My late sister's mother in law play favorites among her relations. (She has 2 sons, they both know who she favors. She has 4 grandchildren, they know the pecking order. She has 3 step grandchildren, they know she disregards them.)

None of them really respect her, they listen to her, but her opinions really don't carry much weight with any of them.

Im afraid I wouldn't be much help with this one. I usually stay to myself at work and the people I do let "in" there are ones that are kinda loners/quiet people too.

If i have to deal with jerks at work or in public i usually resort to anger/rage if all else fails. bad choice most of the time but it just happens

Remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. And tell them so. Tell them you lack interest in their opinion and point them to a nearby bridge to jump off if they can't hack that.

Which probably boils down to harden up, actually, which I admit is kind of in line with what they are having a go at.

What I have noticed about depression is that you lack anger. No anger. Just grief, shame, embarrassment. Some kind of desperate urge to do better, prove you're not a no-good nothing. That whole psychological mode is a killer.

When someone puts you down: ask yourself if you personally think you did anything that was actually wrong. Not perceived as wrong; no. Actually wrong. Ask yourself if these people jumped to conclusions about you without knowing.

My sister once told me that she left her first husband because he never gave her the benefit of the doubt. I have had 2 men in my life like this: if there were two ways to take something I did or said, these two men would always choose the worst way. and there would be no way for me to prove my innocence because I was trying to prove my motivation, which is invisible.

I got rid of these men.

You have to start asking yourself if they are treating you as well as you treat them. If they have any business feeling superior enough to you to tell you how to be.

But the flip side to this is never tell them how you are feeling. Never. Smile, stand tall, and never ever complain to them.

Only ever complain to people you can trust.

I agree with Papperman. Set limits, walk away, do what you have to do t not be exposed to other people's negativity. We recently had to get my mom out of our lives because she was trying to turn my son against all of us. When I say "us" Imean my brother in law, sister in law, my husband and myself. My son currently lives with the in lawas who were getting the worst of it from my mom in spite of the awesome job they do with my son.

So you do what you have to do to protect yourself and not be mistreated by others. And Iknow it can be hard to do when you're depressed, but do what you can to stand up for yourself.

Some of these things said I agree with and have thought about before, logically it all makes sense and it's understood but time and time again I still let things get to me on an emotional level. Even though I know I shouldn't and people tell me I shouldn't. Baseless claims made against me with no facts still hurt my feelings and I hate that I let it get to me. It makes me angry at myself and I feel like a weak willed individual afraid to stand up for myself at times. I hear the phrase "thick skin" at times and always wondered if it's possible to become more immune to offensive people overtime or if it's something that you're just born with. Like I have friends that nothing really bothers them, they tell me that I shouldn't let it bother me either, but without fail I'm the person getting upset over whatever it is and feeling out of place for being the only one. I hear things like "men don't cry" and are expected to be these tough people who let nothing bother them and be full of pride and what not. I just could never wrap myself around that concept.

I agree with most. I used to stand there and take it. Thankfully, I was taught to walk away. Sometimes I even run away. It all depends on the amount of dysfunction. NO - no followup needed!

God says that we are beautifully and wonderfully made. Only He has the beautiful truth of who we are as human beings. I like to think that what He says is true instead of the critical opinions of ignorent people. Be kind to yourself you are a treasure to this world!

I have a sister thats negative to me so I stay away from her as much as possible. I just cant be around her. Everything she says bothers me so I stay away. Now my dad is negative but I can work with him. I even try to make him laugh. It never works, but I try cause I love him. Now other people, just dont talk too. I even hang up on people who are rude.

I glare at them right in the eye and tell them "Get away from me with your negativity" or "Enough bitching. Let's try to see the positive here."

Your reaction to what people say/do could be both (being overly sensitive or dealing with toxic/negative people). I've been told (and I fully agree) that I'm very sensitive so sometimes even if someone doesn't mean to do harm, I can react too sensitively to it depending on the situation.

If you definitely can see patterns in the other person, ask yourself whether you deserve to be treated like that. But also, ask yourself if you're just being overly sensitive at a particularly stressful time. I spend a lot of time alone probably because I'm so sensitive and not everyone is very observant. I choose the people who are as warm-hearted as I am and who also are a bit sensitive.

I could give many examples of both, but it woul be too long. Anyway, I like that phrase, it's none of your business what others think of you; but it's also human nature to care about that ort of thing. Everyone wants to be liked and accepted.

I have always been extremely sensitive and have been told many times that I am. I don't ever want to lose my sensitivity but as a dear friend here at DS told me, I do need to work on having a bit of a back bone. And she is right. We have to learn to have boundaries with people, to be able to let others know when they are hurting us and NOT hold it in. Holding it in will really cause a bad depressive episode. I hope you don't find your sensitivity to be a negative quality because I think it's a wonderful quality to have. But those of us who are sensitive and afraid to speak up ( usually due to our upbringing) we do need to learn to have a bit of a back bone. We have to say yes when we mean yes, and NO when we mean no. Without it, we never receive the respect that we deserve. I found that when I do have a back bone with my mom as an example, she didn't believe anything I had to say or would not listen which was hurtful. People get use to us being a certain way and then when we try to change, people don't know how to react. Demand respect, have a back bone, but don't lose your sensitivity in the process. It's a wonderful quality to have.Hugs GB

There are two ways to get from hither to yon: the straight way, or the windy road.

Some people get the straight way. Nothing has ever caused them to breach their own self confidence. They get the quick route and they look like they're winning.

then there are the ones who for some reason were pushed off the straight way and had to go the long way around. It takes a long time. It takes a number of bad experiences to learn each lesson. And you do learn, and you strengthen, just like your skin will strengthen after a few blisters when used a lot.

Those ones have a longer journey but they achieve not just their destination; but wisdom.

so you know, you can't have both. You can't have the easy road, and the wisdom. Growth takes pain. :)

I am a highly sensitive person. What helps me is to understand what it means to be highly sensitive and embrace that facet of my personality. Its a double edged sword - I am easily hurt but I am also capable of understanding others in ways that most people can't. Maybe try researching highly sensitive people on the internet. You might find some things ring true for you.

I also hold back and deal with things that happen later, when I'm alone and able to be calm. I try to recognize that their words are their opinion and not necessarily true. I ask myself, "what the hell is wrong with that person?" Perhaps they are having a bad day. Perhaps they are not emotionally mature and lack basic communication skills or lack control over their actions. Perhaps they are so dead set on getting something done that they don't care who they have to step on. When people are negative to you, try to realize that it is not a reflection on you - it is a reflection of their own selves.

When I try separating their words from who I truly am and understanding where they might be coming from, I almost always find peace and the pain goes away.

I also agree with what others have said here - establish boundaries, cut them out of your life, leave, etc. You don't deserve that crap. Unfortunately, its not always an option.