This summer I have been trying to work on improving my chronic depression. I switched anti depressant medications from Zoloft to Lexapro, began working through a self help workbook for anxiety and depression, read the bible daily, and have been trying to pray more for acceptance and serenity. I am struggling with an issue that is bugging me at work and I am not sure if it is due to my depression, or something else. I am the manager of the worst department in our company. Historically, my department gets the lowest results and is known to have the most difficult team members and most challenging clients to work with. When I go to managers' meetings and we talk about progress and how things are going, I try to not sound negative and complaining, but I am honest about what is not going well. When I express my disappointment at the lack of positive results from my department, I get responses from my boss and other managers that I need to be more positive. This is bothering me because I think I have been working hard to try to sound positive in front of them even if I don't really feel it because I know they only want to hear that everything is going great, no matter what. I have even tried not to speak at all in order to avoid sounding negative. I struggle because to say everything is great when it is not is a lie. When your department always comes in last compared to others, how can you stay positive? I do not ever say what I really think and censor it to sound positive or at least neutral, but apparently, that is still not enough. Maybe my depression has made me feel so hopeless that I do not see how negative I sound. I have tried to request different personnel for my department, but have only received transfers that are mediocre at best. People in my department say they have always been the lowest, and the company does nothing to change that, so staff just insulate themselves with each other. I have tried to get staff to make changes, but they have a union which supports their working the minimum hours and protects the status quo. I don't know how to sound positive about any of this without being a complete fake and liar. I don't want to be perceived as the negative complainer and I genuinely don't want to be that person.

I feel stuck leading the losing team, see no hope of real change in the near future, and I am tired of always feeling like a loser and less than other people. I am working on my self esteem and liking myself personally, then work makes me feel like I am negative and a complainer.

How do depressed people force themselves to be positive in situations like at work? How can a person honestly talk about what is wrong in a positive way? What am I missing?