Ok so in the beginning of the month I posted about putting my cat to sleep. He died in my arms. It had been really really hard, but two days later my life just got worse. My boyfriend of six years lied to me, went somewhere he told me he wouldn't, got kicked out for being drunk and belligerent with the bouncers, drove home in the car my family gave him, crashed into a police car, fled the scene and almost killed another officer with his car. Did I mention not only my father but my brother are officers as well? The last words I heard from him that night were right before the cops shot his tires out. "Shit someones shooting at me." then the phone went dead for two hours.

I thought he was dead. I thought he was being shot at by some random person because he was so wasted on the phone he didn't let on that he even was being chased by the police. I woke up everyone in my house we made some calls and found out what really happened. So now his butts in jail, and I guess that is good because I dont even know what I want to do in terms of this relationship. Hes always had a pretty severe drinking problem, but things had been getting better. Nothing like this had ever happened before. He was controlling to an extreme. I really did not have a life outside of him for six years. Now I was left sort of floating in the middle of nowhere with nothing to latch onto.

I've been going to the bar...a lot. Its the only thing that makes me feel better. I wake up in the morning though hating myself. Last night I was so drunk I curled up in the fetal position on my new friends couch and just whimpered all night. My parents are worried although they aren't saying so. I can see it when I stumble in, in the morning. I'm worried. I am not drunk driving or sleeping around. Mostly I get pretty drunk and dance at the bars and someone drives me to sleep at their house. The attention I get is really the high I'm after. Something to make me feel lovable like I'm worth something.

My best friend who has been absent through this ordeal, despite promises to be there for me....has said I have no self esteem. My "esteem" comes from others. I have a poor sense of self worth. I think shes right, but that doesn't change anything. I asked my parents to let me go to a shrink. They keep saying people split up after decades of marriage you'll be fine. I think the traumatic way this unfolded and the controlling nature of the relationship make it more though than simply hurt from leaving someone. His family make it really hard too. I loved them and thought they were going to be permanent in my life. They seem unwilling to let me go. I'm just so lost. My head is the most messed up frightening place. I don't feel suicidal, but I am a little self destructive in how I'm dealing. I tried al anon and I didn't feel comfortable there.