Wow, these are some really interesting insights you have into yourself koolman. These kinds of issues should be worked through with a trained therapist. But for starters, give yourself some credit for being aware of your pattern. Also are you maybe sabotoging yourself and your efforts before someone else can come along and mess it up for you? OR maybe you don't think you deserve to have a good life and so you sabotage yourself. Maybe do some journaling to see if anything new and interesting comes out that you hadn't thought of before.

Hmmm...interesting, Heidi--thanks!

That's why it's called "Depression," Koolman. It's actually a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's not intentional or you losing your mind to negative thinking. Perhaps you just need to find something that balances the Seratonin and Melatonin levels in your brain.

There are several natural solutions, if you don't want to go the chemical anti-depressant route. One is 5-HTP which is over-the-counter, and available at Walgreens, Walmart, etc in the vitamin section. Before you do anything at all though, you need to see your doctor. Some of these, even natural remedies, can interfere with other medications.

Life IS difficult, and like Jimmy Buffet says, "Life is like a tire swing." Sometimes you're up, and sometimes you're down. You just have to get on the swing to have any fun before you jump off.

Hang in there!

The best thing that I read in your post is that you have acknowledged what you are doing to yourself. I am not a Therapist but it sounds as though you are suffering from low self esteem but while you are exercising, being creative, you are able to stay out of the denial you are in about what you truly think of yourself. I don't know why you would feel down about yourself because I have read many of your posts that have been helpful, intelligent, and understanding of the humans feelings. Hugs Gramybear