So is there a reason why life is hell, or did it just sort of end up that way?

I'm in the middle of a lot. I don't want to get in too deep about anything. To sum things up: my school's stripped me of my basic human rights and if I complain about it at all, I'll probably be expelled. Except I've already complained about it. Wrote a paper about how universities strip students of free speech for a professor that has it out for me because I made a murder joke once. She really doesn't know what kids are into these days. Thing is, I used to trust her. I used to tell her about my fears, about all the shit I've been through, about what this school has been doing to me. I've recently learned that she's been just a spy for them all along. She's even written letters calling me a liar and a basket-case. All because I made one small, sarcastic quip. 

I hate her so much.

Anyway. So, there was a paid acting gig for students hosted at my school. I auditioned. Did I get it? Nah. My mom's suggested the casting director (a communications professor at the school) might have booted me because my school's been talking shit. Somehow, I doubt that.

I've been thinking it's time to quit theater. Granted, I love theater. I think it's so much fun to be onstage. My favorite characters are the ones that I can really go all out on. For instance, my favorite character I've performed since entering college was a raving drunk. She only had one scene, but I didn't really care. I got to learn how to move like a drunk, and I got to say and do all this stuff that was making people laugh. It was so fun. 

But, see...back in high school, I used to do forensic competitions. Not about DNA and what-not; they're an odd conglomaration of speech and acting. Never won any of them. In fact, I hated them. I didn't really have a choice in whether or not I should compete; if I wanted to make a good grade in my drama class, I had to be apart of the forensics team. But I'm going on a tangent. Fact of the matter is, I sucked. Probably because I can't actually act.

I mean, I've gotten compliments. I've been told that I've driven a crowd to tears, that I've scared the absolute crap out of them, and I've heard them laugh at me. Well, the laughter part is one thing, but all the other stuff - it could've been just something people have said, y'know? Like they wanted to be friendly? After all, I've gotten a lot of them from friends and family members, and, sure, a few strangers, here and there. But even the strangers could've been just trying to be nice.

What's worse, I suck at auditioning. I can't monologue to save my life. I hate it. I don't know how to do it, even; no one's ever really taught me how. Besides, I like having a partner to work off of - it's just more fun. Not to mention the fact that talking to myself just makes me nervous, especially the fact that the casting directors are judging my every single word. 

It's whatever. The fact of the matter is, I was never really all that good at it. Sure, it's something I like, and shit, sometimes I even love it. Back in high school, it used to be what I lived for. Not so much anymore; I'm too tired and too stressed and too depressed. People don't care if you want to do something you like. Especially if you're bad at it. Shit, they'll get offended if you're bad at something you like doing.

I don't even know why I bother trying to be happy anymore. Everything I want to do, everything I like to do - it's all just going to amount to nothing. It's safer not to be happy anyway. People don't like happy people; happy people scare them, so they do what they can to ruin them.

I guess it just would've been nice if I had gotten a part. It would've been something to look forward to, after all this hell.