When i was young i always loved christmas. The lights, smells, tastes, and people treating each other better than they had all year was top in my book. There was only one thing missing though, and that was my father. As i grew up i wanted more and more a christmas with my family including my dad but i never got that even when i grew up and found him again.

As a result i swore up and down i would give my kids a real christmas where their mom and me and our families would come together in celebration like it should be. I had this for a little while then my marriage failed, and christmas became horrible again.

Every year i get severely depressed around christmas. my family isn't whole, everyone is fractured and no one is celebrating it as it should be celebrated. I also don't even have a church that i can go to that will accept me as part of their family and i can't seem to get myself inside one because of how the mormons treated me when i was young.

This year is even worse since my daughter will barely talk to me and has no interest in spending any time with me than she has to. My friend Angela says it's because she is 14 and trying to wean herself off her parents. Aparently girls do it earlier than guys but my son is 20 and he is still home for christmas. That is something at least.

I'm also thankful for my new job but it will cut into my christmas as well since i only get christmas day off and to make that work i have to drive 120 miles or more to the farm to have dinner the next day then book it back to Columbia for work. I don't have any time i can use since it is a new job.

Did i mention my daughter doesn't want to see me even for a day for christmas...Yea this sucks

Not only am i getting hit with loneliness for not having that special someone to celebrate with but my dad is in the hospital waiting to be placed in a home and it will be months before i can see him. Add to that my daughter who doesn't want anything to do with me and mom and my brother being so far away plus no real time off....Not even a tree or decorations...maybe i will go down to the farm and grab my tree...mom may need it down there though.

Even my friend Angela is out of the state this year so i can't even get a boost by being around her. Ted and Pattie are also around but the smoke is so thick in their house it causes me migrains. I do wish i could see them as well.

I want all of you to have a merry christmas. I love all of you.

Here is a picture of a christmas kitty: I miss them as well.