I am so sorry for your losses - you have had quite a few of them and you are clearly still grieving.

i dont' think suicide would be a good idea, also it would be very hard on your sister and you wouldn't want it to cause her to miscarry. You sound very depressed, and by depressed I mean this has gone on a long time without shifting. I found counselling incredibly good for this sort of thing. It's like, we need to find a way to lift our burdens off our back and leave them behind us on the journey because they get so heavy and carrying them for a long time wears us out. I needed counselling and I needed about 2 yrs of medication to help me budge my burdens and it's pretty amazing that you can lay these sorrows to rest, not forget them but lay them to rest, and find a happy future for yourself again amonst those things that still are available to you but that you overlooked because you were still focussed on what you had lost.

I wish I could give you a hug from here. And I'm really sorry about your cousin. People who kill themselves knock everybody else off their (often precarious) perches. It's not okay for them to do this because they escape their burdens only by increasing everyone else's.

Job 1:6-7

Its darkest before dawn good things will come your way,give your burden to Jesus he will ease your burden.Read Job 1:6-7 please

I think @bridgie101 is right. Suicide is not the answer. It will only cause more burdens on other people's shoulders. As much as you may not see it now, people in this world need you. And we all want you here. I know the traumatic experiences are fucking with your mind severely but escaping the issue and thoughts isn't the answer. You can't cop out. You have to use your strength powers now that you were given when you were born to subdue all of what the world has put you through. In fact, you wouldn't be going through all you're going through or what you've went through if you couldn't handle it. And even though you don't see it, you're handling it. You're still not giving up! That's why you're on this site. Therapy is necessary. Psychologists are experts at helping you tackle the underlying fear that's causing your stress and depression! Have you considered it?

I sooo feel for you. My daughter cannot conceive any more. She loves babies. Wants another. But, medically, she can't. I see the look in her eyes when she sees other babies. It hurts me.
My daughter-in-law miscarried 3 or 4 times. It sooo hurt her. It hurt me to see her hurt. Then, God allowed her a boy. She is noe pregnant with a girl. My son was talking about divorce after she miscarried. I advised them to wait. I'm glad they did!
But, back to you...I know it can be very upsetting for some women who have trouble conceiving.
I will pray. God has great plans for you. Maybe not now, maybe not in the near future. But, ...He does!

energetically, your mind and body are exhausted from the depth of your sadness and longing. Your life must feel whole, you must reconnect to the sense of wholeness so that your mind and body can relax.

Please YouTube Mooji. His loving guidance will help you reconnect to the wholeness that you are.

I had a friend who was trying to conceive for years and finally decided to try new age methods - reiki, yoga, acupuncture, she went full force. A year into practicing these modalities, she and her husband learned, they were expecting.

Explore the depths of your bodies natural intelligence. These ancient practices help heal and restore. Mooji will help.