its even tireing to think about writing this post and what to write, almost like i just cant bebothered even though i was to actively engage with others for support and to support as well. ive had mental health issues since a kid, experiencing my first anxiety episodes and panic at a young age although i didnt know what it was then, i know now. Anyway as the years have gone on, I could write a novel about my life, being a full time carer for my sick mother for most of my 20s, and shes now on her way to good health since receiving the gift of life, a liver transplant, i have my own life back , and to live. So from 27 - 31 i was diagnosed and experienced a hell of a time with depression, doc also mentioned the PTSD with everything i went through with my mum prior to her getting sick and during the years of being her carer.. god ive lost it i dont even know where im going with this, my mind feels so boggled, i dont even know what my actul reason for this post is, and it doesnt have spell check so thats annoying.

Anyways, so from 27 to 31 i was in a deep depression, but in the last 8 months ive come so far, i actually experienced happiness , motivation, and all that stuff when youre free of the "black dog" .. in the past month though there have been some pretty hard hitting times financially. I do have my own very small business, working from home as a graphic designer, i love creating its my therapy, design is my life, so i love what i do, but my problems are still there. not only financial issues my whole wellbeing feels FK*& excuse the french but i just cant seem to EVER wake up feeling FRESH and READY to start the day. Reason I work from home is because I have an issue with socialising. i never used to be like this prior to being mums carer, but since all the horrible, painful, scary times, i just dont do people well. I struggle to goto the shops to get my groceries, and i prefer to avoid it because i feel anxious as hell and just dont want to be somewhere other than home. So i do my groceries online most of the time. 

I think the fear is of running into people i know and them asking questions about my life, what im doing, because in fact besides working im not diong anything, im a night owl, and its an actual fact creative people are much more alert and creative at night, and it rings true for me as well, i love the night the peace and quiet. So i tend to spend more time awake at night than in day. Although there are times i goto bed at a reasonable hour, but the next day, i have a hell of  a time waking up and i almost dispise it. 

I suffer from chronic pain, i have disc degenerative disease, facet joint arthritis in L4 L5 S1 , so im on a long term medication for it and have been for many years and im sure this has alot to do with how i feel when it comes to my body and wellbeing. 

People go out and enjoy themelsves and their lives, its been lovely weather and i dont even have the want or motivation to go out and enjoy it, everyone is out with a friend doing lunch or walks along the beach or going to a market etc all that shiz is so forigne to me now, i dont do any of that, nor can i be bothered, argh its so frustrating. Even when i think i would like to do something like that i end up sitting at home watching netflix smoking ciggies , drinking cups of tea and i feel just like im existing. i feel as though im on a downward spiral. 

Does anyone eles ever feel like this? 

Not to mention im 31 and moving BACK HOME WITH MY FOLKS! My parents are awesome dont get me wrong but i feel like a loser adult baby having to move back in with them but in my finacial state i cannot cope let alone live! i have 3 animals that i love dearly like children and i always make sure they are looked after before me. I swear if i didnt have them to look after id be alot worse, because having them to look after they require me to feed them, and love them, so they are amazing my 3 fur babies. Moving back in with my parents, sad isnt it. when ive lived out of home since 18... 

Before i started a full time carers gig for my mum she was terminal without a organ transplant, and it was a slow horrid process, so lucky she got the gift of life, so before that i was sucsessful, outgoing, life of the party, loved going out and took it at any opportunity, is it now that im 30 im just changing or is it because im fearful of social situations. 

This post has no nothing to it, and im sorry for whoever reads it cuz its clearly pointless and not of help to anyone i just wasnt sure what else to do, i wasnt going to put a facebook status up ranting about all this, so i just its an outlet, but if there are no replies i totally understand. i annoy myself at times

I just want to sit and watch tv shows and forget about the problems im facing in the real world. im tired had enough , cant ever seem to get ahead, the only good thing i do in life is my design work people seem to like it and pay me to work for them to design their business logos and their designs for flyers and such other than that im just a exisiting soul kinda lost. I used to be good at life, was a voluenteer fire fighter, went out shopping, enjoyed life, helped out at homeless shelter genuinly had motivation and will now i just wake up at 2pm and go what for.