I can absolutely relate and share your frustration. I too managed to escape from an inadequate childhood and it is something that I will carry forever. I have everything now that I didn't have but it seems to not be enough. There have been times when I grieve for what I didn't have and often I ask why was I dealt that hand? Why should anyone be dealt the hand of an awful childhood when it does impact us like you said. I am 42 and feel as though I still don't know...do I need to be 50, 60, 70....before I can finally just accept everything for what it is? Do I need to live life in entirety in order to feel peace? I fear that I will always be unsettled in one form or another....and the reason is because after what we have endured as children...we only want the best. Anything less won't cut it...at least for me. That is a high standard to maintain but in my mind, it makes up for years of happiness that were denied me.

Hugs to you in your journey and I am interested in what others have to say....

Yes, I can relate and your rant here helps those who are in a similar boat recognize the complexity of childhood abuse and what it does to you as a functioning adult.

I enjoyed reading "It's Okay To Cry" and you give very good advice.

I wish you well.

I have a good life "on paper" so to speak. Basically I want for nothing.

I have had to fight very hard to build a nice life. Sometimes I am happy for a while but like you say the damage has been done and a crappy upbringing is something I don't think anyone ever gets over completely. I have a trip coming up soon to the place where a lot of it happened and it is sending me into a tailspin.

it is to bury my Father in his home town. I did everything I could to try to get out of it but my family and friends just don't understand

So not sure if I can be helpful or not. I think with a great wife by your side you can expect some improvement. You must have bee4n able to feel some joy and happiness in finding her and courting her.

Take baby steps and be patient with yourself.

Maybe adopt a kitten? It's pretty hard to feel morose watching a new kiten play and learn about life

You can learn a new behavior. You talk like you can't, because you are too old. But, you can. The fact that you recognize you are numb, shows very much that you are not. Listen, people who are "numb", don't know it. You are very aware of it, and that means you have compassion. The fact that it frustrates you means you have the capability to feel.

You are gifted to use the peaceful environment you've provided for yourself to learn new behaviors. I wrote a poem back in the day listing all the things that, to me, made up a perfect life, the person I wanted to be, a perfect home. After I made that list, I only did things that fed that list. Trust in people was the hardest one of those things for me to overcome. I still struggle with it. But, surround yourself with trustworthy people, and you'll learn to not only trust them, but trust yourself to feel those feelings in a safe, forgiving, gentle environment. If people can't be that with you, then they really shouldn't be around you. In time, you will have taught others your new found standard of living, and it is good.

That reminds me of something I learned through everything. After getting use to people abusing me, I accepted it as the norm. But, I ended up learning something very important. It's not other people's job to know your boundaries. It's YOUR job to teach them your boundaries. If you have a stable sense of who you are and what you'll tolerate. Then, everything just kind of slides right off of you.

Anyway, that's my experience. What got me there is a very long story. Isn't it always?

I DO.
I COULDNT B THERE WHEN MY DAD DIED OF LUNF CANCER CAUSE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS.
HE LIVED IN ANOTHER STATE.
MY MOM IS NOW 88 AND IN A NURSING HOME AND I CANT GO 2 C HER CAUSE OF MY BRAIN TUMOR.
THINGS IN HIGH SCHOOL HAUNT ME SOMETIMES BUT I CONCENTRATE ON THE LORD 2 GET MY MIND ON SOMETHING, ANYTHING ELSE AND IT WORKS.
GBU
D
;-]

I had a brutal childhood. Alcoholic parents. Neglect at home. No friends growing up. Picked on at school. Father committed suicide when I was 16 his body was not found for three months. My mother died when I was 18 from cancer. I am very sensitive. I avoid people. Married at 19 to a nice man we have been together for 28 years. I am myself broken. I just want quality of life.

it is good for you to rant ...so don't be sorry about it ......one thing I have learned and I learned it the hard way ...is that you that we have to talk ....everything that has ever hurt us has to come out it doesent mater how much it hurts or imbases is it needs to come out befor we can truly begin to heal ............I did not have to live with with abuce ..but I had a diferant problem I could not talk about to anyone ...and I have alwayes had depreshion at some leavel or a nother .....I never wanted to be here untill I hit 50 .....I had a loving family ...I had one trama tic thing hapen besides the other thing that I could not talk about ....I have wounderfull kids and grandchildren ......and I have always hid all the pain I could from them ...so they don't have to deal with it ...it is bad enough they had to live with a mother who had chronic migrains .......that I could not control ............I ended up in the psych ward ...for 2 months and needed ECT ....I had stoped talking ..and ..I was going dowen to far to fast ....the meds would work to slow ....it was a life saver ...and I learned I needed to talk ...and I talked .....and talked ....if I would of gone and goten help earler and talked earler I would not of broken ......and when you break than you have 75 present chance of breaking again ..and even easer for you to break again ..and that is what has happened to me ......don't understmate ..how important it is to talk ....it could very well help you with ..how you feel ..the brain is also able to make new ...path ways ...for healing .....take care ..God bless

BooClouds,

Thank you, hugs to you as well. I completely relate to the feelings of always wanting what's best. It's almost crippling... I have become a perfectionist in a sense. I think it has deep roots that have to do with my wanted so badly to control the things I can control... Perhaps because that wasn't an option when I was younger? I surely hope it doesn't take a lifetime to accept a past that will forever remain unchanged.


Betrayed,

Thank you so much for the complement on my blog post! :) I have been a bit weary about starting the blog just because it's scary to put myself out there, even if it is anonymously. However, I feel (and hope) that sharing the stories and experiences I have had can benefit others. Plus the writing is therapeutic in itself!


TroJan,

Haha, thanks for the kitten advice. I have a dachshund that seems to do the trick. My wife certainly does bring me joy, but sometimes I worry that I am limiting her happiness because she has to deal with me :/. I know there are times where I don't make the greatest company. For you, I encourage you to make the most of visiting your hometown. When I go back to where I was raised it is sad but is also makes me feel happy. It reminds me of different things were and how much has changed for the better.


Cypressmoon,

You give excellent advice! I think it is my lack of trust in people that makes it so hard for me to make new friends. Honestly, I find it hard to be friends with people who haven't gone through hardship. I just get annoyed by the things the complain about and don't feel like I can ever really open up.

I really liked your advice on letting other people know your boundaries. You're absolutely right, we are all doing ourselves a disservice by sitting around and being passive. That one I haven't had as much trouble with in adulthood (fortunately). There are times that I am afraid of defending myself at all, in fear of me losing my cool after I start in, but it's a work in progress. ;)

Also, would you care to share your poem? :)


Survivor,

Stay strong my friend, stay strong! We're all here if you need support.


Skylarbell,

That is extremely traumatizing. I am glad that you were blessed with a good husband because you deserve it. It's not fair some of the hands we are all dealt.


Muskrattiger,

Thank you, you are absolutely right because I am finding how good it feels to get on here and talk with all of you and write for my blog. It is so therapeutic. I've been on the look-out for people to talk to in my life but they are so hard to find. I've only found two in person. It's just hard to break the ice and ask acquaintances if they've ever experienced trama and would like to share. I feel a little depressed that I have to get my support online, but you all are wonderful so that makes it easier. I haven't broke yet, so I will heed your advice and keep talking!

Man, I wish I could share my poem. But, it was lost in one of my moves. :'(. If you can imagine, it was called "In This House". It talks about how no one cries alone ( I lived alone....meaning I don't abandon myself). I really forget the rest. But, it was everything I was missing and should have never lost.

I so wish I could find it!

There is a really good saying I've heard from several people here:

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You have much to be happy about, indeed you have much to be very proud of.

If you feel you need permission to be happy and proud then please, take my permission to do so. (I'm sure everybody else here will give your their permission as well.)

But you don't need permission from us, it comes from within,

Don't look to the idealized "happy" you most likely dreamed of when you were a child. Accept that a child's dream is wonderful, but lacking in the real world experience necessary to make it a full dream. You have a lot of real world experience, and you have stated it yourself: you DO have MUCH to be happy about.

Gentle hugs