I feel like I cannot take another second of it anymore, since I'm still living in an abusive household while trying to heal at the same time, I feel like everytime I move forward I get pushed back 100 times further, today I went out with my sisters friend and actually spoke this time, and I had a lot of fun and was free from social anxiety, so I felt amazing and confident after, I felt like I was on top of the world, and capable of anything good, when I got home, my mom could tell that we were happy and had a good time and of course decided to make us as miserable as she is, she started critizing us for buying too much food and told us to clean the whole house so we could lose the weight we just ate food from so our stomachs aren't big,and I felt disgusted by her saying this, not about my body but about what she was saying because my other sister gained a little weight during quarantine and my mom has criticized her about it for so long. My oldest sister who is still stuck in an abusive relationship told my mom that there was a pile of dishes when she came home from working a really long shift and she did them and my mom didn't care or acknowledge that when people are depressed doing chores is really really hard sometimes,especially when your constantly told what your doing isn't enough, and your constantly discouraged and criticized. I feel like I'm yanking myself out of a grave just to do house chores and my mom just says I never clean anyways, that I'm lazy, cleaning isn't hard, even though I always clean to avoid her nasty comments but she still finds a way to sneak them in. I remember as a child hearing her yell at my oldest sister for things I now realize are not serious, and I would think to myself that my sister was the problem who made the mistake and that I would do anything I could to avoid making mistakes and be perfect and smart so that I wouldn't get yelled at, it didn't work out, I am still yelled at for basically breathing, and being too shy even though I have a social anxiety disorder which probably came from my mother over critizing me and telling me at a young age that what people think about me is very important. Sometimes I wish I had turned into a narcissist so that I wouldn't feel love or care about anything or anyone, not really even my own self. I don't even see a future for myself anymore, I'm so done with life and with everything and everyone.the only reason I'm alive is because I believe in hell and don't want to go there for suicide. I'm never acknowledged for anything I do, never appreciated or thanked, im disrespected and abused by my mother, my dads not even the problem, she is, she's critical and abusive towards my dad sometimes too, I don't care if he made her cry, I gues now she knows what it feels like to not be acknowledged or appreciated for a single fucking thing. I just hate my mom sometimes, she makes me feel so powerless,incapable,unloveable,inferior and like I am something horrible and I just constantly feel like I committed a crime when I'm around her or like I did soemthing so horrible. and she's so blind to everything, does she not realize her kids didn't turn out normal because of the way she treats them. I told my sister that I'm moving out as soon as I get enough money,  and she told me that my mom would cry and be sad if I did, but I don't care, I hope she is miserable for how she treated and continues to treat me and my siblings, I hope she cry's until her eyes become so heavy and swollen that she can't see. Wow I sound evil. and in about 10 minutes after writing this post I'm probably going to cry because of the guilt I feel for being rude towards my mom.