well Matt called saturday at 8:20 pm and once again he says to me- i can never talk to u again... i said ok... is she there? and she says who u talking to honey? yep he went back to Karen - god i hate myself !!!! why can't i be more like her ! Brandi is never good enough for anyone !!!!!!! but Karen - the sun and the moon rise because she is there ! i envy her because she holds his heart in her hands and i never will... i've let him go- all i asked was ok not about me- but if i'm pregnant- don't u want to be there for the baby? he said- i don't know- i can't talk to u and if there is a baby i dont want to be in his/her life... so my heart broke into a million pieces at that moment... i'm in no rush to find out- how can i have a baby when i don't want to live myself ! i'd go through the worst physical pain imaginable over a million times = if this emotional pain would just go away.... i want to close my eyes and not think, not breathe, just be.... not sayin i want to die- but just float in a state of uncontiousness for awhile.....
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