Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm at such a huge crossroads at the moment. I'm twenty two and I feel like I should actually commit to something. Last night I dreamt about my Mother screaming at me, as she always did, about doing nothing with my life. Make a decision right now, she said, quit trying to study and get a job or actually commit.
Dream Mum was a bit nicer than real Mum would be if I talked to her about this. Real Mum would kindly remind me that it's too late anyway.
I failed another semester of uni. I've been trying for four years to complete my first year now. Every time my depression and self esteem problems creep up and I just stop going or handing up any work. This time I got further than I have in the past, I actually got distinctions on some things - but then towards the end I just stopped again. I don't even know why this time. When my Mum lived in the country she was my excuse... I had to help so much with housework and looking after my little brother who's disabled, then there was the constant shredding of my self esteem. Now she's moved back to England I told myself things would be different.
To make matters worse I was going through a really dark patch a few weeks ago. Things were bad with my boyfriend and I felt so alone without any family in the country, and I don't have many friends, so I stupidly opened up to my Mum about things. I sent her a message saying I wanted to come back home. Now she sends me really aggressive messages constantly about when I'm coming back. As if I can just click my fingers and have the money. A few days ago she sent me huge paragraphs complaining that she's sick of having to lie every time someone asks about what her daughter's doing, she's sick of being ashamed of me, and that if I'm going to waste my life I might as well do it where my family can help me. Of course after her ranting she always says "I'm your Mother, I love you - what kind of Mother would I be if I didn't worry?" But our relationship is still quite toxic for me. I don't know if going back there is a good idea.
I'm not stupid enough to try to go back to uni again. Clearly that isn't working. I've been looking at a fashion design course and I've been getting quite excited about it. I think it might actually work... I love fashion and I know an awful lot about it, and I often make myself clothes. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. But I'm worried about giving up again a few months down the track. Also my Mother would consider it so shameful to have a daughter doing something as 'trivial' as fashion. She always accused me of being an airhead and a bimbo. And I have my own sense of pride. Quitting uni completely is like admitting that I'm not clever after all. I know that isn't true... I understood all of it, I just couldn't manage the workload and I have an awful lot of issues when it comes to self esteem. I'd be too paralyzed with anxiety to hand up essays because I'd worry I'd fail, or even just get a mediocre grade.
I worry about not being perceived as intelligent too much. One of the problems I had with my boyfriend recently is that he doesn't do my social anxiety any favors. He'll often convince me to go to parties and social events where I don't know anyone but him, and then he gets carried away talking to his friends (which is fine, he shouldn't be my babysitter), but it means I'm left awkwardly sitting there. I found out that a lot of his friends had called me 'arm candy' and thought that I was just a dumb blonde. It really got to me. And it really upset me that he didn't exactly help the situation at all, he never made an effort to involve me in conversations.
I'm such an introvert, my mind is all I have. I don't like it when people think I don't have one. And now I can imagine what people will think of me now I'm doing 'fashion design.' They'll see it reinforcement.
We worked through it, and it was mainly an ex of his that had a lot to say about his 'blonde bimbo' of a current girlfriend. But I know a lot of people think those things about me when they meet me. I'm painfully socially awkward but I always like to dress up for social events, if I met me I'd probably misunderstand me too.
For the first time in a while I'm excited about this though. I just hope the overwhelming tiredness and lethargy doesn't creep in. The days when I have no will or energy to do anything and I convince myself that it doesn't matter if I do fail my course. That's the way it starts... I'll have a few bad days like that and not turn up to my course, then I'll be too embarrassed to go again and I'll think it's too late to catch up.
Dream Mum was a bit nicer than real Mum would be if I talked to her about this. Real Mum would kindly remind me that it's too late anyway.
I failed another semester of uni. I've been trying for four years to complete my first year now. Every time my depression and self esteem problems creep up and I just stop going or handing up any work. This time I got further than I have in the past, I actually got distinctions on some things - but then towards the end I just stopped again. I don't even know why this time. When my Mum lived in the country she was my excuse... I had to help so much with housework and looking after my little brother who's disabled, then there was the constant shredding of my self esteem. Now she's moved back to England I told myself things would be different.
To make matters worse I was going through a really dark patch a few weeks ago. Things were bad with my boyfriend and I felt so alone without any family in the country, and I don't have many friends, so I stupidly opened up to my Mum about things. I sent her a message saying I wanted to come back home. Now she sends me really aggressive messages constantly about when I'm coming back. As if I can just click my fingers and have the money. A few days ago she sent me huge paragraphs complaining that she's sick of having to lie every time someone asks about what her daughter's doing, she's sick of being ashamed of me, and that if I'm going to waste my life I might as well do it where my family can help me. Of course after her ranting she always says "I'm your Mother, I love you - what kind of Mother would I be if I didn't worry?" But our relationship is still quite toxic for me. I don't know if going back there is a good idea.
I'm not stupid enough to try to go back to uni again. Clearly that isn't working. I've been looking at a fashion design course and I've been getting quite excited about it. I think it might actually work... I love fashion and I know an awful lot about it, and I often make myself clothes. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. But I'm worried about giving up again a few months down the track. Also my Mother would consider it so shameful to have a daughter doing something as 'trivial' as fashion. She always accused me of being an airhead and a bimbo. And I have my own sense of pride. Quitting uni completely is like admitting that I'm not clever after all. I know that isn't true... I understood all of it, I just couldn't manage the workload and I have an awful lot of issues when it comes to self esteem. I'd be too paralyzed with anxiety to hand up essays because I'd worry I'd fail, or even just get a mediocre grade.
I worry about not being perceived as intelligent too much. One of the problems I had with my boyfriend recently is that he doesn't do my social anxiety any favors. He'll often convince me to go to parties and social events where I don't know anyone but him, and then he gets carried away talking to his friends (which is fine, he shouldn't be my babysitter), but it means I'm left awkwardly sitting there. I found out that a lot of his friends had called me 'arm candy' and thought that I was just a dumb blonde. It really got to me. And it really upset me that he didn't exactly help the situation at all, he never made an effort to involve me in conversations.
I'm such an introvert, my mind is all I have. I don't like it when people think I don't have one. And now I can imagine what people will think of me now I'm doing 'fashion design.' They'll see it reinforcement.
We worked through it, and it was mainly an ex of his that had a lot to say about his 'blonde bimbo' of a current girlfriend. But I know a lot of people think those things about me when they meet me. I'm painfully socially awkward but I always like to dress up for social events, if I met me I'd probably misunderstand me too.
For the first time in a while I'm excited about this though. I just hope the overwhelming tiredness and lethargy doesn't creep in. The days when I have no will or energy to do anything and I convince myself that it doesn't matter if I do fail my course. That's the way it starts... I'll have a few bad days like that and not turn up to my course, then I'll be too embarrassed to go again and I'll think it's too late to catch up.
It's okay to take a break from school and maybe work a job for a while. I wish that I had worked before or during college because I think that would have put things into perspective for me and I wouldn't have had such anxiety about being perfect. I quit grad school because I was afraid of failure and criticism. Now looking back I realize that I would have done well in the course but I was terrified of making a bad grade or being critiqued.
Accept that you won't be perfect in school-or anything-no matter how smart you are. Focus on the end goal- getting a job you love. If you think fashion design is a good path for you, try talking to some people in the industry to see what it's really like. Don't let other people (outside the industry) influence your perception of the career. If you love it, that's what matters.
As for the social anxiety, anybody would feel awkward at a party where they know only one person. Maybe next time see if you can take a friend along so you won't feel so isolated.
First, try not to let your mother's views dictate how you feel. You probably cannot change her, she has her own challenges. While it's sad, you probably need to limit your communications to her. I have a family member who is unusually successful and one reason is his ability to take criticism, sometimes unjustified. Sports training for him helped and at 13-14, he had a coach who liked to scream and he got used to dealing with this. (It turned out the coach had a kind heart and let loose and forgotten about things rather than holding grudges). Say to yourself a single comment will not define me.
Think about what you like best. Successful people consistently say do what you like and enjoy.
It's not.
I think you will be much happier with a MANfriend than the BOYfriend. He needs to grow up and do more giving than taking.
You probably should develop some social skills. Mom has given you a low self esteem problem and that is why you are having social anxiety etc. There are book on the subject, ... and counseling too.
University is not for everyone. There are many other worthy goals. Time to select another one.
Good luck to you. You are still quite young and if you give it all enough thought and make some effort in new challenges, you can have a great life.
I think the fashion design sounds fantastic, you probably won't quit because you want to do it. You have to want it bad enough to get through the bad stuff.
But understand: young people are not the best academics. They really aren't. Fashion design is more hands on, more social in a way, more creative and far better emotionally than solitary academic hell which has only been thrust on you it looks like by Supermom. Who quite frankly needs to get her shit together.
I have a wee 18 yr old at work and I was telling her that the next time her mother says she's a disappointment, she needs to look mum in the eye and say 'sucks to be you.' And then just ignore it. I told her so and her reaction was 'oh you don't know mum' but I do know mum. I know mum's a bag of wind. It only takes one prick with a pin to bring her down to size.
if you ignore them, then what does that make them? Stupid little bouncing up and down idiots. And they quickly learn to pull their heads in and stop their caterwauling.
My daughter's recommendation was to tell the mum to eat a bag of something i can't remember, but it sounded horrible. "If the mum's already disappointed" she said, with her 18 yr old wisdom, "you can't really make it worse can you. " Brilliant reasoning. Can't fault it. - And under NO circumstances go back to live with her. She will leave you a blithering failure with no confidence or anything.
As to being arm candy; play it. May as well. Play to win. Enjoy yourself. You can play whatever role you like at these parties. Some will think you're wonderful, some will put you down. Law of averages. Don't expect to wow all of them at once. Don't take a single bit of it personally, you don't know them well enough to know if you think their opinion's worth the toilet paper it's written on anyway. So just ... gah. Boys. Really.
This is your life. Get out of it whatever you want to get out of it. Quietly if you have to. Don't brag, don't ask for help, don't say anything and let the proof of the pudding be in the eating as they say.
and if you do the fashion design course: show up whether you're having a few bad days or not. That's the promise you have to make to yourself: that you will drag yourself through it whether you want to or not. you will have to learn this if you get a job; and you have to learn it as a student too. If you know that one day off leads to walking out of the course, never allow yourself that one day off. :)