I give a rat's ass. I can't say I know how to help you, .. but I do care. If you knew how much ...I think it would help in and of itself.

I would like for you to, at least, not beat yourself up. That would be a start.

I can understand your frustration. I am 35 and I feel like I can't find any relief either. I've tried countless medications and they only seem to help me for so long. By the time I'm 50 I'll probably feel hopeless too, I already do. Mental illness sucks and its hard to find anyone to relate to when you feel like you're just really screwed up. I care. I don't know how to help either, or help myself but I know I have to keep trying different things. Its hard to retrain the constant messages of worthlessness that probably come from internalized stigma, but know you're not alone. Just take it minute to minute and do your best. That's all I've found I can do to make it through each day. Hope you find relief.

if you came here hoping to find people who don't care you came to the wrong place .....I care ...we fight the same beast ....I am 58 ..I have had depreshion since I was 2 .....I have never wanted to be here ..untill I hit 50 for some reason ..that changed ...I just decided I wanted to stay around ....i at one time ..made an attempt that was interrupted at suside but ..my head was not in the right place ..I dident want to die ..I just wanted the pain to stop .i wanted out ....and I could see no way out ........I had to stop driving for 8.months once because I caught my self headed for the ditch a few times ..and had to stear out of it ...so ...now. I have broke ..3 or 4 times now ..and have to be on meds the rest of my life ..but they can't bring me up to ware I schould be ..but at least I can have a life ...and enjoy things ..right now I am enjoying watching my grandchildren growing up and seeing the world through there eyes ...and seeing the .people they are becoming .............it takes time to get on the right meds ..and the right combination of meds ..and the right strengths ....but if you take the time ...you can get relif ....at least enough to have a life ......if you can't get up all the way ......I see a phicitrist ....I have long ago talked out all I needed to but once in a while I still have somthing to say ..but he most ly helpes me with my meds now ......it is very good that you have had this rant ....ranting is good for us ..so rant all you want ....somthing good might come out of it .............take very good care of your self ..be kind to your self ....I will keep you in my prayers .....God bless

I care...

You have to keep trying with the meds....I was the same way...I have also been in therapy basically my whole life I'm 51..and finally found right therapist.

Only 2 years ago after 8 years of trying different medications for depression I found one that made me BELIEVE in medication I have never believed in it...because it never worked or I never took it long enough because of the damn side effects... Since you sound very much like me...have you ever tried Citalopram?

And since you sound like me...I'm going to tell you that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain as described by you behaviors and actions...and the only way to change your brain is with medication.

Because you are lonely I will also say you shouldn't give up on therapy...keep searching for the "right" one. I know I need someone to vent to regularly.

I have a technique with my therapist...because some topics are HARD or EMBARASSING...like you say...and this works well for both the therapist and the patient:

I write down or type my problem of the week...and then I get there....and take a deep breath...and say to her...OK...Here it is...

And then I READ the problem...I don't have to look at her...cause I'm reading...I usually cry as I'm reading it....but at the end...I feel so good for getting it out. And never have I been met with judgement or disappointment from any therapist. Usually I will look up after reading and I will see a sympathetic look on her face and others I have used this technique with.

I always feel big relief when I get this shit off my chest.

They became Drs or therapist because they care about people...they have heard everything and I'm sure our problems are not unique.

I'm terrified to die...more so than being depressed at my age..I'm used to living in depression...I just force myself to work on my problems and find as much joy as I can in a day...sometimes that is just watching a TV show I like.

My advice in a nut shell
Keep seeking therapy
Keep trying medication
Let your pain out

I will be 49 in 7 days. Only one short year until I hit the big 5-0. I feel a lot the way you do. I am SO far past therapy, I let my troubles go too far, always trying to hide it and not wanting to bother anyone. It also makes me VERY uncomfortable having to talk about it with a new therapist, psychiatrist, Im just tired of talking about it, period. The thoughts of suicide have been on mind a lot ,esp. in the last year. Everyone on here cares & understands how you feel. I too, beat myself up & feel guilt. The guilt and self shaming is Satan trying to get my soul, he wont win.

I really can't add anything beyond what Missy said. Read it again and again. There are a lot of gems in what she is saying!

Wow thanks guys, and Missy you are totally right. I need the right medications, and the rest of it. If I could get my anxiety down, I know it would do wonders for me. I just need to find my voice. I have a real problem expressing my needs. Sometimes I'm not even sure what my needs are because I'm so afraid of embarrassing myself by talking about them. I'm such a fake person. I feel like everyone is leaps and bounds ahead of me emotionally. I admire people who can just be themselves and not give a fk what others think. I'm just not that person. I feel like people only like me because they don't know the real me. The real me is really not that nice. I'm not as caring as I act like I am, because I have so much of my own shit to deal with, and if others have too much drama it drains me. Thank all of you for saying you care. Not sure if I buy it, but it does help...so yeah.

I care, too. It is as if we are on the same boat. I am 48 and have been fighting depression all my life.

Hope is essential. Sometimes I cannot believe that I still have any hope. It sounds like you have hope. You keep on fighting the good fight. I know that life does not have to be a fight for some. but it is for me and you and many others here.

You reminded me of one of the reasons I avoid new relationships. Fear of abandonment! I have had some extremely hurtful abandonments. It sounds like you have endured many yourself.

I have hope for you. You did a big thing by posting your true feelings. It is actually refreshing not to hear things sugar coated. Do you feel better from venting? It is a useful tool.

You are not alone. I think that for today, I will borrow a bit a hope from you (if ya don't mind). People with depression do get better. You just did it today.

Thank you Heather, It does help to vent, even if I feel like I'm rambling. And to think that I may have actually helped you. I have to admit that does make me feel good. I guess sometimes it's the little things, eh. I hope that things get better for the both of us. With people like the Vet and the others, I guess we do have more hope than it feels like sometimes.