I forgot about this forum... last time I was on here was last year. There's so much on my mind. Please bare with me. This is gonna be all over the place. I don't know where to start...

This pandemic hit me like a brick. I don't wanna complain because Im alive and healthy. My dad still has his job. I'm very fortunate and blessed. This has been eye opening for me but at the same time shitty. I hate that Im depressed. I feel guilty bc I should be thankful for what I have during this time and not miserable and complaining. I can't help how I feel. I'm so hopeless and desperate. I feel like I can never win.

Depression has taken over my life. I've been depressed since I was 16. I'm turning 21 in a few months. It's crazy to think that I'm like this. It's hard to accept my reality.  It's hard for me to understand how I can be so depressed and anxious at my age. I'm only 20 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. Why am I so caught up in my head. I'm so scared I'll be like this till I end up committing suicide one day.

I quit my job 3 weeks ago and regret it. I was working at a gym. I'm now unemployed and it's hard to find a job. I'm too depressed to work. It's difficult to even do the bare minimum. It takes a lot of energy and effort to go to work and do my 8 hours. Just breathing and thinking drains my energy. I got a few verbal warnings and one written warning for making a few mistakes. It wasn't intentional I wasn't in a good headspace to do anything.  I have short term memory and a tendency to forget things especially important things. I fell asleep at work a few times and would used to hide in the bathroom when it wasn't busy. I never last long at any jobs I'm always changing every 3-6 months. I could literally do nothing and feel fatigue.

Depression affects all areas of my life. I have no social life. I haven't gone out and made new friends or meet new people since high school. I'm socially awkward and can't connect with anyone. I've been working ever since I dropped out of college. I lasted two weeks and half the time I cut my classes. I'm a fucking joke. Everyone I know and old classmates I run into are either graduating or already working in their field.

I've never dated or been in a relationship and probably never will because of my mental issues that will get in the way. I'd be incapable of loving someone and commiting myself to a significant other.

Earlier this year I was seeing a guy who was 30 years old but he looked 23. Everyone I knew had been in a relationship at a young age. Everyone nowadays is in a relationship. I've never dated or had bf. I felt pressured. I also wasn't in a good place to be making a decision. First time I met him I thought he seemed nice. He asked my number and I gave it him. He messaged me to come over and I thought to myself I've never been with anyone why not. I didn't think much of it. He just wanted to sleep with me and I felt pressured. I thought maybe I should just do it and get it over with. I mean everyone has done it right. I would drink and smoke with him to loosen up but still that didn't work. I didn't exactly loose my virginity but I ended up doing some intimate things that I now deeply regret. We were seeing each other for a month then I realized what I was doing and ended it. There was something seriously off about him. I shouldn't have seen someone 10 years older than me. He was a stranger and I let myself go to his place. It could have ended badly. At first he seemed nice and all then he would ask me money all the time. Saying he was going through a tough time and if I could help him. I gave him money twice. When we were talking he brought up his friends saying two of them were in prison. One day he texted me saying he was robbed of money at gunpoint at his house and I don't know if he was telling the truth or lying to make me feel bad and give him more money. After those red flags, I stopped seeing him and blocked him. I should have never seen him in the first place or stopped after the first sign. I deleted all my social media in fear of him finding me one day. I became paranoid. This whole experience truly traumatized me and made me even more depressed. I felt stupid, ashamed, incredibly embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I get shame memories till this day. It always crosses my mind everyday and I get flashback or nightmares of it. I start to feel sickened by it every time I would think about it. Whenever I go outside and I see someone who looks like him I get panick and get anxious thinking it's him when it's not. This has changed me and my self esteem is now worse. I wanna vomit just thinking about what happened. I can't forget it. I can't seem to get passed it. 
My depression was bad enough and this just added to it. I wish I could go back in time so badly and never had gone to his place. I would I could erase my mistake. 

I don't know how to cope with all this. I can't function at all. I have difficulties focusing. I can't concentrate AT ALL. I can't even read a page of a book or do simple things like cleaning, cooking or starting a project. I can't even watch Netflix. I don't care for entertainment. Nothing brings me joy. I don't know how to explain it. It's as if I'm incapable of doing anything. I spend my days doing nothing. Browsing my phone , pacing in my room, looking at the wall, forcing myself to sleep when I'm tired of thinking so much. it's the same day all over again for the past 5 years I'm surprised I'm still alive. I'm just waiting for the day to end so I can sleep and not think. I've been trying to find a new doctor because my current one is insensitive. I'd like to get back on the pills and be consistent taking them. I'm also looking to do therapy but it's expensive and they all work remotely. I have such a negative mindset. For the past five years, I've always had negative persistent thoughts on the daily. Darkness is all I know.  It's automatic. it's just become normal for me that it's hard to be self aware of these thoughts. I didn't realize how bad it is. I really need professional help long term. For years I've been wanting to get better but I just don't have the strength to help myself. I can't bring myself to go out and get help. I don't wanna ask for help from families and friends. I hate the look they give me. They treat you differently and it gets tense. I know it's out of care and love. It's normal for for a loved one to worry and look at you with pity but I just absolutely hate it and prefer to keep it confidential.

I have nightmares all the time and trouble sleeping. I'll wake up at night and can't go back to bed. Every night I can't relax in bed. My body is agitated. I have to rock myself to sleep. I toss and turn all night. I don't feel like seeing my friends or anyone. I don't like going out and being around people. My chest feels heavy and I'm always anxious and stressed. Sometimes I'm so anxious I get an upset stomach. I'm anxious I can't even bring myself to make phone calls I need to do or answer phone calls. I can't even bring myself to go inside a store to apply for a job. I hate interviews. I get really nervous and stressed. I'm really bad at them. Recently I wanted to visit a piercing shop but was intimidated and didn't go inside. I went to a different one but I saw a few people waiting outside and didn't wanna go. Whenever I go out I walk with my head down and avoid glancing at anyone. Last week, I woke up so early to call from a job offering I received by email. I stared at my phone for 5 hours getting the courage to call. My heart was racing. I thought I was gonna get interviewed by phone but she ended up telling me she'll call back in two weeks to set up an interview for all candidates When we have our schedule from school by then. I was nervous all day just to end up being on the phone for 2 mins. I dropped out of college after two weeks and have been working since then. I was thinking of doing a short program this semester but I'm too depressed to go to school. I'm not interested in school but wtf am I suppose to do with my life.  I can't fucking doing anything. I'm fucking pathetic. If I had a voodoo doll id torture myself.

I have such low self esteem. Growing up I've struggled with confidence and self love. These past years it's been terrible. I hate myself so much you don't understand. I'm filled with so much self hatred. I just wanna crawl out of skin I feel sick to my stomach. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate who I am. There's so much that's weighing on my chest. I wish I could give my life to someone else who's dying to live. I'm so undeserving and unworthy of living.  I just wanna sleep forever.