The past is done. The future, aside from death and taxes, is unknown. All we've got, Penntucky, is TODAY.

What do you want to do with THIS day? As long as your health is reasonably good, there can always be a walk, or a hike, then a return home to a roaring fireplace, some hot food, maybe some chilled libations, alcoholic or no, and those kitty cats!

yes, koolman, i am trying, despite my sounding like a broken record.

how to be happier...? what can i do to foget my problems...? what is some of the stuff i should be grateful about...? what bad habits are holding me back...?

Self doubt,, that's holding you back. All those negative things that were said when you were young maybe.. I'm guessing from personal experience.

Imagine just from the ages of say birth to 10 how many times "What is wrong with you?", "You're mean", "You're bad", "You can't do anything right", "You will never amount to anything".......etc. may have been said to you by the person at the time you put the most faith in telling you the truth? Now I realize that sometimes we say these things to people and do not mean them intentionally in a negative manner, but a person has to form that reasoning themselves to realize what's meant and a kid takes a while to do that..... now imagine some of the much more harmful things some may say intentionally in an abusive parental role? I don't have to tell you it adds up.

There is NOTHING wrong with telling yourself you are NOT useless and never have been, you are not burdening nor hurting anyone at all, you are a good person, there are many many things you do right and it is OKAY to be flawed. It could take a long time to get yourself out from under that pile but you are worth it!

I agree with Peppers: The only thing holding you back are the voices of those critical, demeaning parents. Tell those voices to shut up. I'm sure your parents, when they got to the pearly gates, had some things to answer for, and are feeling many a pang of guilt over the way they treated you. When you get there, their pennance, in order to move forward spiritually, will be to make amends with you.

Meanwhile, the only way to conquer an idea...is with another idea. Whenever you feel the voices of meagers coming on, get some physical exercise, which will enable you to say "I'm NOT too old! I can still DO this! I'm a strong, energetic individual!" Then read voraciously. Fiction. Positive, self-help books. Here, as you're doing.

Rumination is a symptom of major depression.
When I started taking Effexor way back in 1998 it almost totally stopped the rumination. I'm still on it, that's how well it works for me.

Here's another article: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/01/20/why-ruminating-is-unhealthy-and-how-to-stop/

And another: http://www.webmd.com/ahrq/depression-traps-and-pitfalls

And another and another and another...

Antidepressant therapy made a MASSIVE difference in stopping the rumination for me, and I strongly suggest you try it too. Antidepressants gave me back my life, and they can do likewise for you. Rumination has squat to do with asking right or wrong questions, its a symptom of an underlying disorder: major depressive disorder in this case.

So get help.

I so appreciate the dialogue you started. I've asked myself these questions and reading that I'm not alone in that self doubt spiral helps me not feel so worthless.

I am continuously amazed at the kindness I've seen from the people here.

My parents were drunk and irresponsible-I was often the parent and it's a role that I still see in myself-that caregiver-to everyone but myself.

Your friend Peppers wrote that there is nothing wrong with telling yourself that you're not worthless. That just makes too much sense to not be right.

Take care,
Elbie

I agree completely about the dangers of focusing your mind on the wrong things -- asking the wrong questions and especially ruminating. I recently read a book called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman and he also talks about the adverse effects of ruminating.

He notes that women in general are much more prone to depression than men, and he suggests that one big reason for this is because women are prone to ruminate and brood about their problems -- trying to figure out WHY bad things happened -- while men are more likely to take action and/or distract themselves by focusing on something else.

Besides, a lot of these questions about the past can never be answered. Not in any way that really makes sense.

You are in a good point, to realize its to not ask the wrong questions but the right ones. Your questions of what you can do now is the key. Stay focused on today. I am another like you looking for answers as to why, but I learn to just see then understand more from my past, but mykey point llike you is I need to not ruminate like another here suggested. We get so wrapped up in finding out why when we need to just accept things. I know too that I have built the pattern of saying those nasty put downs of myself from my past have overflowed into today so now the work of replacing them is my challenge. I hope you know I can relate and this helps. Be kind to yourself and realize that the things in the past are in the past, and its OK to accept the faults and move on knowing your not that person anymore. Have a good day today and many hugs to you to help you feel not so alone.