Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hey guys. This is my first time posting in the depression forum here on DS. Although I have definitely suffered from depression for a long time I have mostly been hanging around in the PTSD and co-dependency fora.
But now I need some advice from people who know depression. The thing is, I had a major depression at about 19 yo when I scored 57/63 on the Beck inventory. At that time I was completely numb and didn't feel any emotions. No love, no surprise, no irritation, no sadness - just emptiness. Fast forward four years with therapy, medication and a lot of spiritual work and I'm only "borderline depressed" according to Beck, yay me!! The period following my "waking up" from being numb was mostly anxiety and a great deal of confusion. Then came shame and guilt, grief for years lost, more shame, a bit of anger, more guilt and just about any destructive feeling you can have.
But now I am feeling emotions that I, in lieu of a better word, usually refer to as "real". They're real in the sense that they are normal responses to circumstances, such as crying over a sad movie or being hurt when a good friend says something inconsiderate. But I feel it all so INTENSLY. It's mostly negative feelings like hurt, anger, loneliness etc. but it can also be love, although when it is it's more like I feel how deeply I care for another, almost like it hurts. I never feel intense joy and never that kind of carefree love.
Is this normal whith a mild depression or is this maybe just how life is? Maybe something you learn as you grow up but that I didn't because I got depressed... anyone have any experience or insight?
But now I need some advice from people who know depression. The thing is, I had a major depression at about 19 yo when I scored 57/63 on the Beck inventory. At that time I was completely numb and didn't feel any emotions. No love, no surprise, no irritation, no sadness - just emptiness. Fast forward four years with therapy, medication and a lot of spiritual work and I'm only "borderline depressed" according to Beck, yay me!! The period following my "waking up" from being numb was mostly anxiety and a great deal of confusion. Then came shame and guilt, grief for years lost, more shame, a bit of anger, more guilt and just about any destructive feeling you can have.
But now I am feeling emotions that I, in lieu of a better word, usually refer to as "real". They're real in the sense that they are normal responses to circumstances, such as crying over a sad movie or being hurt when a good friend says something inconsiderate. But I feel it all so INTENSLY. It's mostly negative feelings like hurt, anger, loneliness etc. but it can also be love, although when it is it's more like I feel how deeply I care for another, almost like it hurts. I never feel intense joy and never that kind of carefree love.
Is this normal whith a mild depression or is this maybe just how life is? Maybe something you learn as you grow up but that I didn't because I got depressed... anyone have any experience or insight?
AngelAshley123
Loving someone so much that it hurts, amen to that brotha! I am not an expert but I have to say all that you are feeling does sound normal for mild depression. I am glad that you have a therapist who is helping you with all this, but its good to also make friends who feel the same way as you do as you can help each other, so its good that you came here. Please hang in there hun huggs :)
koolman
Sounds like normal emotional response to negative, sad or annoying, external stimuli to me! Except that, because you're so sensitized, there's no "filter" to "buffer" you.
mirkwood
I had to deal with parents divorce at 5, having an evil step mother at that same age! then living with a mother who was poor and had no money! who got a job with 300$ salary per month ..we lived in an apartment so old, it was filled with roaches, worms, spiders, even ghosts..I moved to many schools..lost childhood friends..got bullied from middle school to senior high..had no friends, money..my brother was mean to me all my life..my mother didn't know how to love me even though she does, my dad didn't care for me I managed to get into college and now I'm unemployed..I still feel like no matter what I do I am never happy because I was never happy! I was born a happy child and then things changed and depression got the best of me. I am an extremely sensitive person, I get hurt easily, I have a very fragile heart so I keep it away from people because I know they will break it. I try to be happy but I am not really! I do smile and laugh but I feel stuck and I can't move forward I don't know if I can help you feel better but after years and years of emotional neglect how can someone like me enjoy life?!
Join the Conversation