Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I am cross posting this in a couple of groups because it deals with several issues (someone once called me a troll because of this).
I was adopted at birth and didn't know much about my biological parents until I was 25, at which age I had stopped seeking out information, grieved the loss of never meeting anyone biologically related to me, and decided to close that chapter of my life. When my half sister found me on Facebook and let me know our "father" had found me via an online post I had done almost ten years before that moment. This was a whirlwind of emotions, I found out the reality, my biological mother felt pressured and wanted me back the first week of my life but couldn't win. She said she sent me letters and pictures and they started being returned and unanswered around the time I was 5. This was when my family that adopted me lost all their money and found out my dad had a gambling drug problem. They had a biological daughter 7 years before adopting me and she was treated like a princess. I know my parents wanted to treat me the same and give me the same opportunities but they just couldn't do it.
Which brings me to where I am today. I'm 31, I broke up a longtime abusive boyfriend at a low point in my life at 27. I started dating quickly to move on, and ended up getting pregnant. I wasn't in any place to have a baby, I couldn't even take care of myself at the time really, but I couldn't go through with any other option other than to see this as a gift and be the mom I always wanted deep down to be. The father of the baby was also extremely supportive, proposed, etc, but something felt off about the relationship. I figured it was because I finally was dating someone good, kind, and responsible. He had just finished a lengthy divorce from his ex wife with who he has 2 small children with.
My life growing up with filled with confusion, doubt, disappointment, learning resiliency, showing the world you're okay when you're not, trying to fit in with people when I felt incredibly different. I have a very apparent learning disorder I was forced to go untreated for until I was 23 and could afford to go to a doctor. This left me with a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot of self medicating through out different hard times in my life. I've been to several therapists but can't seem to shake this feeling of self doubt and panic I've had most recently.
My daughter is 2 and a half now and I feel like I've been in survival mode since half way through my pregnancy. It wasn't just the change in lifestyle, then and inevitably in the future as a parent, it was surrounding not knowing my daughter's father very well, disapproval from my family, letting this unborn child down before she even came out into the world on her own.
My therapist helped me realize my relationships were all a bit codependent. With my mother (adoptive), she would blame me for having to stay with an abusive husband (my father) to give me a good life... our lives were very stressful, from as early as I can remember. I remember thinking, why not just divorce him and find a new husband as early as age 7.I saw him yell at and beat my mother several times as early as age 5.
I resented my mother for staying with him, like a scared puppy. I resented my dad for hurting her, for how miserable she was. For making her resent me.
No matter how hard I try, I fear I am doomed to repeat this happening with my daughter. I feel she was always get the short end of the stick when it comes to her dad, since he has 2 other daughters, and I can't provide for her on my own. I would worry about her time away from me with him, and also that she wouldn't have much time with him if I left. I guess I naively was hoping I could grow to fall in love with him, and a part of me still does.
Another part of me knows I am repeating my mothers mistake, and the longer I stay, the longer the sickness spreads. He has not ever beat me, but the constant state of anxiety and agitation we both have around each other is hard to ignore or move forward from. I've tried self medicating but it leaves me feeling guilty of being a bad mom instead of working how it had before.
My heart races any time he gets near me, when I can hear him opening the door after work. My anxiety has become debilitating that I often don't leave the house. Money is tight and I am not working so I get anxious to go anywhere lately.
I've never felt like this before. I've always been self reliant, motivated, hopeful, working several jobs, etc. I know staying home with a baby has had a huge impact on my self esteem so I wonder if that is the problem, and I'm lucky that he sticks around, even if he is mean to me. I don't know anymore. I stopped talking to my mom because she's always been verbally abusive to me. I feel like my husband and her are very similar in that they have no empathy for when I am going through a hard time.
My main concern is that I'm robbing my daughter of a normal childhood and life. I worry constantly I'm going to die or just be unable to give her a good life no matter what I do. Any kind of help suggestion personal stories would help. Thank you for reading all this. I am on adhd and anti anxiety medication.
I think you have to ask what you can expect from childhood. And I think the answer is, to survive it. To reach adulthood and not be dead. That is your bottom line and your primary task as a mother.
Not being a screwed up mess is gravy. You can see your adoptive mother didn't manage to achieve that with you; but you still can.
I think when you find you, it'll come together. You have to find yourself, find the way out of hte maze.
As a mother I feel that identifying 'how to live' and learning the important lessons for my own life have assisted me greatly in letting go of some anxieties and fears for my kids.
What's my life story. hm.. potted:
Mum was a difficult person but I'd say she loved us. She hated Dad. Dad had mental illness problems, which caused violence, threatening to kill, threats of suicide ('i'll drive us all of the cliff' type threats). Mum broke up with him, got together with a crazy dutchman, offloaded creepy crazy dutchman, married pedo-dad who found his two new daughters very attractive.
We were raised by mum to be silent and endure. She could harangue for days. We couldn't bear it. Mum was someone you ... got past. You had to believe in everything she said, and I mean believe it because she could smell any kind of disbelief on you from a mile off and harangue for days till you had been adequately brainwashed. Honestly; I think she was a narcissist of the 'must have cult following' type. Even if the only cult was her kids.
And she lived in a world adjacent to reality, if you know what I mean. She didn't identify anything real that was going on around her. Pedo dad could be stroking sister's breast in front of Mum and mum wouldn't notice. The clues we were given about reality were so far off track it wasn't funny. It was an insane way to grow up.
Anyway I ended up with severe anxiety, bad marriage, husband who had no sympathy or understanding, didn't even care. I lived with guilt, fear, and in some ways I still do.
And I worried that I would ruin my kids lives. I felt responsible for everything. Everything I did wrong would ruin them for life... And if you read my journals they're all about that kind of thing. But ultimately, kids make their own lives. I'm making my own life. If I can at least not severely immeasurably wreck my kids' views on reality, maybe they won't waste 40 yrs undoing my mess - I think I can do a better job than my mum managed! So hey! I'll do better than her, and my kids will do better than me, and their kids will do better than them and eventually my descendants will achieve perfection. Ay? :D But if I don't let them try, we can get nowhere at all.
So all you can be held to is to do your best. Love your baby with all your heart. tell the truth, but keep your private problems away till they're older. Believe in the truth. Believe in fairness on the day. Do your best. that's all.
As to hubby? Just get along with him, one day at a time. Try to identify what it is about him that you hate. He may remind you of mum and trigger you - but is he like mum, or are you just seeing ghosts?
How do you actually feel about him?
if you two don't love each other then prolonging things won't be any good for either of you. But you're all jangled and don't know where you're at right now. I guess as an interim suggestion I'd say take an antidepressant or antianxiety medication to take away that level of panic, and then see how you actually feel about him when you're not being triggered. Does he bug you? Are you able to resolve issues together when they arise? Are you guys able to grow, develop, agree, disagree, communicate, in a way where everyone gets their needs met and feels safe to talk?
Have you tried marital counselling?
And in closing (i imagine this is already very long) being 'in love' is a myth. Love is loyalty, team membership, co-operation, kindness, hope and faith. Being "in love" is just infatuation and it doesn't last. So to say you're not in love to me doesn't mean much. Do you two love each other? Are you prepared to cooperate, listen, care, figure things out, be a team? That's what i would ask.
Children don't need money to be entertained, they thrive on attention from their parent. Walks in the park, drives to nowhere, or anywhere, reading the same book over and over, but inventing new endings to the story, playing games of your own making. All these silly things, they make great memories. As your daughter grows older, these things will change. She may become a Disney Princess, or she may become a tom-boy. She may take an interest in music, or reading, or math.
Life with children is a wonderful journey! Be ready to lead, but also be ready to follow.
I really like the responses you've got to your post, so far. When it comes to male/female relationships I'm not the best at giving advice, due to something along the lines of looking for love in all the wrong places. Still, I did manage to raise two lovely children who can take care of themselves. What more could I hope for? Sometimes I wonder how I did it, and I do have a few pat answers for that question. #1 - I knew if I could care for myself I could care for my babies # 2 - I tried never to lie to my children and # 3 - I tried to stay involved in their lives (teenagers don't appreciate it much). That time zipped by!
So my suggestion for you would be to enjoy your baby. I don't know what to say about your current situation, except things change. Please focus on trying to please yourself and your baby. Give dad time. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, you matter.